Hey, I'mma newbie looking for advice

[Browneyes123]

I am a 21/f looking for advice about a freind.

He is just a freind and NOTHING more. Let me assure you. We have been cool for years, and we have the same circle of friends. There is something i have a hard time getting over..he hates natural hair and thinks Afros are unattractive on black women. I have always known this about him, and frankly it's something that I could never fully accept. Maybe it's because of the issues many black women face due to our hair and being accepted in society.

I switch up styles a lot, and some of the styles I wear include it being natural. We recently got into an argument about this, and our friendship is on the brink of ending. I am not sure if I want to be friends with someone who thinks nappy hair is "ugly" on a black woman, and thinks an afro or natural style is wild, undone, and "needs to be permed"--those are his exact words. And I know some may say, "that's his opinion don't let it bother you". Which is very true. But IMO, this is a dealbreaker as far as friendships and relationships go.

I want to know, should I still be friends with this guy or cut him out of my life because of his views on nappy hair being inferior? It really bothers me and I find it irritating the way he looks down on nappy hair. The comments that he said about nappy hair is only the half of it, he pretty much despises it. Yet, I am not sure if I want to keep him as a friend. Am I wrong for feeling this way?? Let me know please

[The Dragon]

Originally Posted by Browneyes123

I am a 21/f looking for advice about a freind.

He is just a freind and NOTHING more. Let me assure you. We have been cool for years, and we have the same circle of friends. There is something i have a hard time getting over..he hates natural hair and thinks Afros are unattractive on black women. I have always known this about him, and frankly it's something that I could never fully accept. Maybe it's because of the issues many black women face due to our hair and being accepted in society.

I switch up styles a lot, and some of the styles I wear include it being natural. We recently got into an argument about this, and our friendship is on the brink of ending. I am not sure if I want to be friends with someone who thinks nappy hair is "ugly" on a black woman, and thinks an afro or natural style is wild, undone, and "needs to be permed"--those are his exact words. And I know some may say, "that's his opinion don't let it bother you". Which is very true. But IMO, this is a dealbreaker as far as friendships and relationships go.

I want to know, should I still be friends with this guy or cut him out of my life because of his views on nappy hair being inferior? It really bothers me and I find it irritating the way he looks down on nappy hair. The comments that he said about nappy hair is only the half of it, he pretty much despises it. Yet, I am not sure if I want to keep him as a friend. Am I wrong for feeling this way?? Let me know please

Just don't bring the subject up. If you two are truly the friends that you say you are and have been then he is your "friend" regardless if you are permed, natural, bold headed or what. His personal opinion about YOUR hair can be kept to himself.

Not like he is your boyfriend. If this was the case, I would tell you to tell him to jump off the nearest bridge. That type of hatred for natural hair coming from a boyfriend would be to close for comfort for me.

[Browneyes123]

Well, the thing with him is that he will often comment on how his friends wear their hair. And will voice his disdain for natural hair. And being that mine is, I can imagine him saying something about it or trying to joke about how it's not attractive. Mind you, he hasn't seen me since i started wearing my hair natural.

my issue is would you stay friends with someone who expresses a certain amount of self hatred?

[JamieC]

Originally Posted by Browneyes123

I am a 21/f looking for advice about a freind.

He is just a freind and NOTHING more. Let me assure you. We have been cool for years, and we have the same circle of friends. There is something i have a hard time getting over..he hates natural hair and thinks Afros are unattractive on black women. I have always known this about him, and frankly it's something that I could never fully accept. Maybe it's because of the issues many black women face due to our hair and being accepted in society.

I switch up styles a lot, and some of the styles I wear include it being natural. We recently got into an argument about this, and our friendship is on the brink of ending. I am not sure if I want to be friends with someone who thinks nappy hair is "ugly" on a black woman, and thinks an afro or natural style is wild, undone, and "needs to be permed"--those are his exact words. And I know some may say, "that's his opinion don't let it bother you". Which is very true. But IMO, this is a dealbreaker as far as friendships and relationships go.

I want to know, should I still be friends with this guy or cut him out of my life because of his views on nappy hair being inferior? It really bothers me and I find it irritating the way he looks down on nappy hair. The comments that he said about nappy hair is only the half of it, he pretty much despises it. Yet, I am not sure if I want to keep him as a friend. Am I wrong for feeling this way?? Let me know please

If he's a true friend it shouldn't really matter what type of hairstyle it is. Be it bald or natural. If he's got a problem with "nappy hair" have him take you to the shop to get your hair done every two weeks and have his arse flip the bill then tell him to shut the hell up!!! Has he looked in the mirror lately to see what his head looks like? Either this boi doesn't have the sense god gave him or he's just a fool. We have to accept who we are and not let others judge us just because they don't like a certain thing.

There's many other people who you can hang with other then your "Circle Of Friends" because apparently he doesn't get out too much or he's just stuck on stupid. You asked. I answered.

[Browneyes123]

I've worn weaves before. He kinda make a backhanded remark about how I wear hair, contacts and tight clothes but I'm an introverted person. He said if i do all of that to my appearance than I should be outgoing. I don't know how to take that. but it doesn't make me feel very good at all. Yeah, I do wear brown contacts but they're prescriptions because I can't say. I'm not trying to be white or anything. As for the hair, well I've always experimented with extentions and will continue to do so...afro extentions, straight, curly, whatever...I'm starting to not want to deal with black men because of this; as friends or relationship-wise. They always have something to say about our hair.

[mlc0908]

Originally Posted by Browneyes123

I've worn weaves before. He kinda make a backhanded remark about how I wear hair, contacts and tight clothes but I'm an introverted person. He said if i do all of that to my appearance than I should be outgoing. I don't know how to take that. but it doesn't make me feel very good at all. Yeah, I do wear brown contacts but they're prescriptions because I can't say. I'm not trying to be white or anything. As for the hair, well I've always experimented with extentions and will continue to do so...afro extentions, straight, curly, whatever...I'm starting to not want to deal with black men because of this; as friends or relationship-wise. They always have something to say about our hair.

Ok, theres a lot that can be said in addition to what the Fam had told you so far. You say youve always known how he feels about natural hair, so has he been more outspoken about it recently or has it always been this way?

We all acknowledge each others rights to preference, opinions and expressing them and of course the exercising of the first amendment. Some people just dont realize that its not always what you say, but the way you say it. Maybe your friend needs to be reminded of this. If it were me, going by the info that youve provided, I would have a serious heart to heart with him and make sure that he understands how you feel. Emphasize the strain this is putting on the relationship. Criticism from a friend is always welcomed but it must be constructive. If he is a true friend, when he voices his opinions he will do so in a manner that will be well received instead of pushing you to question your friendship.

I'll have to finish this a little later...dutie calls...

[Terminal Server]

He is just a freind and NOTHING more. Let me assure you. We have been cool for years, and we have the same circle of friends. There is something i have a hard time getting over..he hates natural hair and thinks Afros are unattractive on black women. I have always known this about him, and frankly it's something that I could never fully accept. Maybe it's because of the issues many black women face due to our hair and being accepted in society.

I switch up styles a lot, and some of the styles I wear include it being natural. We recently got into an argument about this, and our friendship is on the brink of ending. I am not sure if I want to be friends with someone who thinks nappy hair is "ugly" on a black woman, and thinks an afro or natural style is wild, undone, and "needs to be permed"--those are his exact words. And I know some may say, "that's his opinion don't............

.......... It really bothers me and I find it irritating the way he looks down on nappy hair. The comments that he said about nappy hair is only the half of it, he pretty much despises it. Yet, I am not sure if I want to keep him as a friend. Am I wrong for feeling this way?? Let me know please.

I firmly believe that everyone is entitled to their personal preference. If he does not like "nappy hair" -well, that's his preference. I know this is an extremely volatile subject for black women considering this man is black himself. The idea of someone of the same race condemning you for something that is genetic to the group, is a bit too much to swallow. Understood. Personally myself, I like naturally long straight bouncy hair. And I love the natty hair styles, big Afro's and long dread locks. I compliment black women with such hair styles all the time. I just like hair that is cared for, natural and not fake and compliments the woman's physicality. Take note: Good hair is hair that is groomed and taken care of.

I'm not sure about this brother you speak of but I personally don't share his taste. But I won't condemn him and call him vicious names simply because we don't agree on hair styles. Should you still associate with him? Well, after you make it very clear to him that you are a black woman with black hair and you intend to wear your hair as you please, he can either accept your choice or move on. End of subject...