Just Need to Vent Afro Chat Family……

[DBlack]

Wow, I feel your pain. Sorry about the inner rage at us brothahs.

If I may make a few points:

You have every right to define and standby your own standards. It's not for me or anyone else to tell you what you should want or need in a man.

I do take issue with the fact that you are 'poisoning' the cultural preferences of another woman. My wife has a tendency to do the same thing with her friends. If your friend is happy cooking and cleaning, why are you mad for her? She told you she was happy. She even explained to you that it's a huge part of their culture and tradition, yet you respond calling it BS, because that doesn't work for you.

I may get flamed here, but there's a reason your brother is smiling. And there are reasons that other men may be treating you as second or third place, where women like her may be in the pole position. We all have different needs and wants. We should not only respect our own, but respect those of our friends and family...that is, if you really care about them.

As far as your frustration with men.....stop having high expectations. Stop giving more than you get, and you will find yourself much less frustrated, and more gratified. Many of these men will be forced to either respect you or vacate your space and time as you show them you demand respect.

And the church thing... I don't get it. God know's what you do, who you do it with everyday, so I don't get the 'selectiveness' about bringing someone to church with you. It's not like you are honoring or dishonoring God because he knows you anyway. Who you bring to church is, to me, for show, and that is the wrong reason to do it. No one in your church should be worried about when you come, how much you give and who you bring with you. And you should be concerned about anyone at church.

Church is a great way to show someone you care about a large dose of admiration and respect. Whether friends, acquaintences, boyfriend, whatever. When done for the RIGHT reasons, it can really strengthen a relationship with others you value.

Good luck S!

[Sumyr]

Xenocide, The statements that I imposed appear very contradictory; I realized this as I was expressing them. I should have provided more of an explanation in the beginning. In my statements for Number 1, most women can tell if a guy is lying about his relationship status. Not all guys that approach me are immediately written off if they tell me they are single – notice I said not “immediately”. There was one guy that said he was single and I did believe him after further talking with him. :)

No, I don’t pursue or seek to get involved with guys that are in a relationship, but a lot of them pursue me. Please don't read this as "only guys in relationships pursue me" as that's not the case. However, if he is just dating, then he has a chance. Guys that are married, living with their girlfriends, etc are off limits – period. BUT….(there’s always a but) If he is living with someone and I “KNOW” that the relationship is over (or soon to be over), then yes, he too stands a chance. This was the case once when I was going through a divorce and he too was going through a divorce (his wife left for another man). The playing field was level so to speak.

I’ve even had preachers pursue me, which was sort of weird. And I must say, I did turn them down simply because they were a preacher. Was I wrong? Perhaps, depends on perspective. I know I will be judged because of this by you Afro Family because I always say I want a good man and then I go and turn down preacher’s who are apparently good. But this is just a preference. Think about your preferences - would you guys get involved with a woman that was an evangelist?

DBlack – Interesting and good advice. Regarding Number 5 - I don’t seek to change my friends way of thinking. Remember I said I respect her and her culture – it’s just not for me. Actually, I thought of you when my friend and I were having this discussion. Remember when the post was on here about how American men were flocking to Brazil for women abroad. And you and I went back and forth and had many heated debates regarding the topic. Well, who knew that one of my own friend girls had similar traits to some of what you preached. I almost started a post saying that you were kind of right, but that would have been me admitting I was wrong and too much like right. :)

Regarding Number 4 - I just can’t expose someone to the most sacred part of my life (church) unless they are “the one”. I lost my virginity long ago. So, I can’t give this to “the one.” Church is the only sacred thing I have left. When I bring a guy to church – I know, he knows, and everyone else knows – “he’s the one for me.” :angel1:

Now, I feel you, thanks for clarifying that all for me. Good luck in your journey to "the one".

[Corals]

Originally Posted by DBlack

And the church thing... I don't get it. God know's what you do, who you do it with everyday, so I don't get the 'selectiveness' about bringing someone to church with you. It's not like you are honoring or dishonoring God because he knows you anyway. Who you bring to church is, to me, for show, and that is the wrong reason to do it. No one in your church should be worried about when you come, how much you give and who you bring with you. And you should be concerned about anyone at church.

Church is a great way to show someone you care about a large dose of admiration and respect. Whether friends, acquaintences, boyfriend, whatever. When done for the RIGHT reasons, it can really strengthen a relationship with others you value.

I second that. I would have thought that the Church would be the first place one would introduce a prospective to. At least then it would show what he is made of.

But then, they are wolves in sheep clothing. :whistling

[Samoon]

"I’ve even had preachers pursue me, which was sort of weird. And I must say, I did turn them down simply because they were a preacher. Was I wrong? Perhaps, depends on perspective. I know I will be judged because of this by you Afro Family because I always say I want a good man and then I go and turn down preacher’s who are apparently good. But this is just a preference. Think about your preferences - would you guys get involved with a woman that was an evangelist?"

Because one carries a "title," does not mean that the individual's character becomes separate from the title. I agree with you. Speaking from being well-connected, NO, not all preachers are saints, let alone preferable choices. Inasmuch as being judged, 'let your conscience be YOUR guide." As long as you set the standard or continue in setting positive and influential examples for YOUR life? Don't give major time to minor people. What you have accomplished is what you have at day's end. Be well, Sumyr.

[RaInEdomThoughtz]

Im late on jumping on this thread because I havent been around much but heres my .02

Originally Posted by Sumyr

These are just some random things I’ve had bottled up inside and I must get out before I explode……..

1. How come guys think women are so stupid? I’ve met several guys over the past month and all have said they are NOT seeing anyone. How can this be when in our area there are 10 women to every man? Then there were two guys that got busted for drugs; so that is 20 more women as you get their 10. So, that’s 30 women and they don’t have anyone??? Yeah, right. Like moma always said – never talk to a man that doesn’t have anyone as why doesn’t he have a woman, which brings me to my next quip.

Its hard to ask a question like this because, truthfully, a man can ask the same thing about a single woman. "Why is she single? Whats wrong with her? Why doesnt she have a man?" When the fact of the matter maybe that he's single for the same reason that anyone else who's single is single---they havent found the right person. If you meet a SINGLE man that you vibe with, why not give him the opportunity to prove his trustworthiness (without investing any REAL emotions until he has proved that), opposed to just writing him off as 'problematic or as someone who MUST have issues BECAUSE hes single or someone who's lying about his status' Any relationship is a risk anyway, because will you eventually open yourself up to the persons good and bad.

2. Then there are guys who have a woman, but you hear the same old line……. “I have an old lady but we aren’t on good terms", blah, blah, blah, blah. I met one guy a few years ago, and I will never forget this meeting. He was trying to put his “mack” on me. So, I ask do you have a woman. He said, “Yes, I have a girl.” As the conversation progressed I was feeling uneasy so I kept asking – you’re not married. He replied, “No”. Well, you know me the inquisitive one, I keep persisting and he finally admits, “Well I have a wife.” I went off – I said you didn’t even have enough respect for her to tell me you were married. Why should I talk to you behind this as if you didn’t respect her and she’s your wife, why would you respect me!!!!! I saw him a few months ago and he has nothing but respect for me now.

I agree with you on this and the sad truth is, a lot of men act like this is ok because there are a LOT of women who behave like its acceptable to take on the role as the other woman.

3. If you have a woman, what am I for!?1?!?!? I refuse to be treated like some “dealership whore”. You are not going to come by and test drive my @ss and put all these damn miles on me without making an investment or purchase. Just casually drop by and drive me over and over and over while my Blue Book Value steadily declines – I don’t think so. If you want to drive this car, make a down payment and at the very least – lease it with the option to buy later (invest in a relationship and if every thing works out we will consider marriage.)

I hear you girlie. I feel the same way.

4. Am I so wrong for not inviting a guy to my church? I know, I know – we go every where else. But my thoughts are I don’t want him coming to my church unless he is the one – engaged that is. I don’t want to be dating someone, we break up, and now someone else is at church. Then we break up and …….you see what I mean. Don’t you?!?!? :)

I understand completely. There's nothing wrong with not wanting to bring someone to your church if its not something 'concrete'. Your church members are your extended family, so just as you wouldnt bring any Tom or Harry to meet your parents or family, its understandable that you wouldnt bring any Tom or Harry to your church.

We all go through things in the pursuit of love, dont trip Sumyr, what you need WILL come through :)

[Sumyr]

Its hard to ask a question like this because, truthfully, a man can ask the same thing about a single woman. "Why is she single? Whats wrong with her? Why doesnt she have a man?" When the fact of the matter maybe that he's single for the same reason that anyone else who's single is single---they havent found the right person.

Rainedomthoughtz - This is very true.......ummmmm.....interesting.

[poeticasylum1]

Originally Posted by Sumyr

These are just some random things I’ve had bottled up inside and I must get out before I explode……..

1. How come guys think women are so stupid? I’ve met several guys over the past month and all have said they are NOT seeing anyone. How can this be when in our area there are 10 women to every man? Then there were two guys that got busted for drugs; so that is 20 more women as you get their 10. So, that’s 30 women and they don’t have anyone??? Yeah, right. Like moma always said – never talk to a man that doesn’t have anyone as why doesn’t he have a woman, which brings me to my next quip.

2. Then there are guys who have a woman, but you hear the same old line……. “I have an old lady but we aren’t on good terms", blah, blah, blah, blah. I met one guy a few years ago, and I will never forget this meeting. He was trying to put his “mack” on me. So, I ask do you have a woman. He said, “Yes, I have a girl.” As the conversation progressed I was feeling uneasy so I kept asking – you’re not married. He replied, “No”. Well, you know me the inquisitive one, I keep persisting and he finally admits, “Well I have a wife.” I went off – I said you didn’t even have enough respect for her to tell me you were married. Why should I talk to you behind this as if you didn’t respect her and she’s your wife, why would you respect me!!!!! I saw him a few months ago and he has nothing but respect for me now.

3. If you have a woman, what am I for!?1?!?!? I refuse to be treated like some “dealership whore”. You are not going to come by and test drive my @ss and put all these damn miles on me without making an investment or purchase. Just casually drop by and drive me over and over and over while my Blue Book Value steadily declines – I don’t think so. If you want to drive this car, make a down payment and at the very least – lease it with the option to buy later (invest in a relationship and if every thing works out we will consider marriage.)

4. Am I so wrong for not inviting a guy to my church? I know, I know – we go every where else. But my thoughts are I don’t want him coming to my church unless he is the one – engaged that is. I don’t want to be dating someone, we break up, and now someone else is at church. Then we break up and …….you see what I mean. Don’t you?!?!? :)

5. I had lunch with one of my Latin girl friends yesterday and her man who is my lil bro’ (best male friend). Her family owns a restaurant and I asked why I didn’t see her brother cooking in the restaurant? Then she said – “Oh, the men in our culture don’t cook.” I said , “What!!!!” She said, my brother, father, cousins, uncles, etc – they don’t cook. The women always cook, clean etc. I said what if its late when you get in – she said then they will just eat out. I said that’s BS. Of course her man, which is my lil bro’, is just beaming as he is in heaven because she is exactly what he has been looking for. She said the women enjoy it and it is a non-issue with them as it’s expected and has been for generations. The women don’t mind. I told her you are in America and our customs are different. If I get in late, then he had better cook or at least get it started or he won’t eat. My lil bro’ said he was going to keep her away from me before I taint her with my “Modern American Women Customs.” Truthfully, I don’t agree with it, but I’m not going to try to transform her. I can respect that and her culture. I just told her that I wouldn’t be traveling to El Salvador anytime soon – no matter how beautiful the beaches and scenery are.

6. Oh, then there are women who hang around with a man for 5, 10, 15 years in hopes he will leave the other woman. NEWS FLASH….. YOU ARE THE OTHER WOMAN!!! If he can’t be there for you when you’re sick, when someone dies in your family and you need him there as support, for holidays – all of them, when you need your vehicle cleaned or the oil changed, or you need him to go to the mall with you - then you don’t need him. What sense does it make for his woman to be riding around in a new Lexus that he paid for and he can’t even give you $20 to put gas in your 1998 Camry. But he keeps telling you that they are on bad terms and “she’s moving out soon.” They just moved into a brand new two story house and your light bill is two months past due. Wake up and smell the reality!!!

That’s it for now. Whew – I really feel so much better. Thanks for listening! :)

WOW....

Uh somebody gimme an aspirin.
SUMYR

I hear dat ol skool jam from back in tha day playing "everybody plays the fool...sometiiiimmmesss!"
As a man... the only thing I can say is "sorry about that".
We are who we are.
Dont get it twisted, we want love as well.
Then again sometimes we would just rather have lust honestly.
I said it once in this forum. Women really dont want the truth.
Actually, its only through patience we find a woman interesting.
Yes, we gonna push buttons. Were men we are supposed to. lol
Now some guys are just flat out hos. Love it or hate it is what it is.
As far as the latin guys and that stuff...well I know this for a fact.
MEN ARE BETTER COOKS IN ALL OF HUMANITY.
THE BEST COOKS ARE MEN.
*steps off the soap box*
Sis.. just get a box of calgon, a little curtis mayfield, nina simone, meshell ndegocello and chill.....

[Sumyr]

As a man... the only thing I can say is "sorry about that".
We are who we are.
Dont get it twisted, we want love as well.
Then again sometimes we would just rather have lust honestly.
I said it once in this forum. Women really dont want the truth.
Actually, its only through patience we find a woman interesting.
Yes, we gonna push buttons. Were men we are supposed to. lol
Now some guys are just flat out hos. Love it or hate it is what it is.

PoeticAsylum - Thanks for the honesty. I don't have a problem with men being "ho's"; just let me know in advance so that I won't be investing all of my time and energy into making a beautiful relationship blossom. :)

[jamesfrmphilly]

Originally Posted by Sumyr

PoeticAsylum - Thanks for the honesty. I don't have a problem with men being "ho's"; just let me know in advance so that I won't be investing all of my time and energy into making a beautiful relationship blossom. :)

ok, ok, i'm a ho............. :whistling