Finding A Life Partner

[trinigirl]

FINDING A LIFE PARTNER
5 Golden rules for finding your life partner
by Dov Heller, M.A

A relationships coach lays out his 5 golden rules for evaluating the
prospects of long-term marital success.

When it comes to making the decision about choosing a life partner, no one
wants to make a mistake. Yet, with a divorce rate of close to 50 percent, it
appears that many are making serious mistakes in their approach to finding Mr/Ms Right! If you ask most couples who are engaged why they're getting married, they'll say: "We're in love."

I believe this is the #1 mistake people make when they date. Choosing a life
partner should never be based on love. Though this may sound not politically
correct, there's a profound truth here.

Love is not the basis for getting married. Rather, love is the result of a
good marriage. When the other ingredients are right, then the love will come.

Let me say it again: You can't build a lifetime relationship on love alone.
You need a lot more.

Here are five questions you must ask yourself if you're serious about finding
and keeping a life partner.

QUESTION #1:

Do we share a common life purpose?

Why is this so important? Let me put it this way: If you're married for 20 or
30 years, that's a long time to live with someone. What do you plan to do with each other all that time? Travel, eat and jog together? You need to share something deeper and more meaningful. You need a common life purpose.

Two things can happen in a marriage. You can grow together, or you can grow apart. 50 percent of the people out there are growing apart. To make a marriage work, you need to know what you want out of life bottom line-and marry someone who wants the same thing.


QUESTION #2:

Do I feel safe expressing my feelings and thoughts with this person?

This question goes to the core of the quality of your relationship. Feeling
safe means you can communicate openly with this person.

The basis of having good communication is trust - i.e. trust that I won't get
"punished" or hurt for expressing my honest thoughts and feelings. A colleague
of mine defines an abusive person as someone with whom you feel afraid to
express your thoughts and feelings.

Be honest with yourself on this one. Make sure you feel emotionally safe with
the person you plan to marry.

QUESTION #3:

Is he/she a mensch?

A mensch is someone who is a refined and sensitive person. How can you test?

Here are some suggestions. Do they work on personal growth on a regular
basis? Are they serious about improving themselves?

A teacher of mine defines a good person as "someone who is always striving to be good and do the right thing." So ask about your significant other: What do they do with their time? Is this person materialistic? Usually a materialistic
person is not someone whose top priority is character refinement.

There are essentially two types of people in the world: People who are
dedicated to personal growth and people who are dedicated to seeking comfort. Someone whose goal in life is to be comfortable will put personal comfort ahead of doing the right thing. You need to know that before walking down the aisle.


QUESTION #4:

How does he/she treat other people?

The one most important thing that makes any relationship work is the ability to give. By giving, we mean the ability to give another person pleasure.

Ask: Is this someone who enjoys giving pleasure to others or are they wrapped up in themselves and self-absorbed?

To measure this, think about the following: How do they treat people whom
they do not have to be nice to, such as a waiters, bus boy, taxi driver, etc?

How do they treat parents and siblings? Do they have gratitude and
appreciation? If they don't have gratitude for the people who have given them
everything, they cannot have gratitude for you--who can't do nearly as much for
them!

Do they gossip and speak badly about others? Someone who gossips cannot be someone who loves others.

You can be sure that someone who treats others poorly will eventually treat
you poorly as well.


QUESTION #5:

Is there anything I'm hoping to change about this person after we're married?

Too many people make the mistake of marrying someone with the intention of
trying to "improve" them after they're married.

As a colleague of mine puts it, "You can probably expect someone to change
after marriage ... for the worse!" If you cannot fully accept this person the
way they are now, then you are not ready to marry them.

In conclusion, dating doesn't have to be difficult and treacherous. The key
is to try leading a little more with your head and less with your heart. It pays
to be as objective as possible when you are dating, to be sure to ask questions that will help you get to the key issues.

Falling in love is a great feeling, but when you wake up with a ring on your
finger, you don't want to find yourself in trouble because you didn't do your
homework.

Another perspective...

There are some people in your life that need to be loved from a distance.
It's amazing what you can accomplish when you let go of or at least minimize
your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going anywhere
relationships.

Observe the relationships around you.

Pay attention.

Which ones lift and which ones lean?

Which ones encourage and which ones discourage?

Which ones are on a path of growth uphill and which ones are going downhill?

When you leave certain people do you feel better or feel worse?

Which ones always have drama or don't really understand, know, or appreciate you?

The more you seek quality, respect, growth, peace of mind, love and truth
around you...the easier it will become for you to decide who gets to sit in the
front row and who should be moved to the balcony of your life.

An African proverb states, "Before you get married, keep both eyes open, and
after you marry, close one eye."

Before you get involved and make a commitment to someone, don't let lust,
desperation, immaturity, ignorance, pressure from others or a low self-esteem
make you blind to warning signs.

Keep your eyes open, and don't fool yourself that you can change someone or
that what you see as faults isn't really that important. Once you decide to
commit to someone, over time their flaws, vulnerabilities, pet-peeves and
differences will become more obvious.

If you love your mate and want the relationship to grow and evolve, you've
got to learn how to close one eye and not let every little thing bother you.

You and your mate have many different expectations, emotional needs, values,
dreams, weaknesses and strengths.

You are two unique individual children of God who have decided to share a
life together. Neither one of you is perfect, but are you perfect for each
other?

Do you bring out the best in each other?

Do you compliment and compromise with each other, or do you compete, compare
and control?

What do you bring to the relationship?

Do you bring past relationships, past hurt, past mistrust, past pain?

You can't take someone to the altar to alter them. You can't make someone
love you or make someone stay. If you develop self-esteem, spiritual
discernment, and "a life" you won't find yourself making someone else
responsible for your happiness or responsible for your pain.

Manipulation, control, jealousy, neediness and selfishness are not the
ingredients of a thriving, healthy, loving and lasting relationship.

Seeking status, sex, and security are the wrong reasons to be in a
relationship.

WHAT KEEPS A RELATIONSHIP STRONG IS:

1. TRUST

2. COMMUNICATION

3. INTIMACY

4. A SENSE OF HUMOR

5. SHARING TASKS

6. SOME GETAWAY TIME WITHOUT BUSINESS OR CHILDREN

7. DAILY EXCHANGES (a meal, shared activity, a hug, a call, a touch, a note)

8. SHARING COMMON GOALS AND INTERESTS

9. GIVING EACH OTHER SPACE TO GROW WITHOUT FEELING INSECURE

10. GIVING EACH OTHER A SENSE OF BELONGING AND ASSURANCES OF
COMMITMENT

If these qualities are missing, the relationship will erode as resentment,
withdrawal, abuse, neglect, dishonesty and pain WILL replace the passion.

Remember:

Every minute spent angry is sixty seconds of happiness wasted.

Nothing external to you has power over you.
Every obstacle is an oppurtunity to improve your condition.


************************************************** ******
Lets try to shift the paradigm and make a new thing.
peace & love to the families

[MilitantWombMan]

OOh Thank you for this..i can apply this to my current relationship :)

[trinigirl]

Actually sis MWM i posted this with you in mind. after i observed how upset you had gotten over the post about sis who are sick of marriage... So i am glad you appreciate it.
peace

[msqueen]

WoW!! This is so right!! Gotta luv it! I think I should print this out too!! Thanks for sharing!!

[MilitantWombMan]

Originally Posted by trinigirl

Actually sis MWM i posted this with you in mind. after i observed how upset you had gotten over the post about sis who are sick of marriage... So i am glad you appreciate it.
peace

:) Well it makes me appreciate this thread even more... *kiss* lmao

[robbboy2003]

Mighty good!

[WellSpoken]

This is an excellant article. Wow, it open my eyes to dating. I am wondering sometimes why certain relationships never get off the floor or even work. Why I always have to initiate the calls. I am looking at the excitement of a relationship instead of actually being in one. You are absolutely right, you can not change someone or vice versa. I enjoy talking to this particular person and even enjoy being with him. But it seems that he is so far away from me. If we talk, I do the calling. He may or may not answer my phone calls. I have not been on the dating field for some years now. I was looking at the forest and not actually seeing the trees. Yet, I really don't understand why I can run other guys off who are interested me but not him. WoW. I am going to print this off and study this dating thing again. Thanks for the great article.

[jamesfrmphilly]

why would i take relationship advice from a Jew?

[Kwayerah]

I don't care if the author of this article was purple.. it's a good read, and something I can apply to my current, new relationship. Thanks for posting!

[DBlack]

I got issue with Question3, but this is still a great piece, full of excellent advice.

But without LOVE, there is nothing!