Wisdom Requested - Male & Female Perspectives Please!

[lady4peace]

I'm new to the forum and naiive in my early 40's. I've known & been dating a man on & off for 19 years. He was previously married w/ children and still has some drama now, although his "baby" is full grown. I've never been married & have no children. I'm independent financially, intelligent but with less worldy sophistication. When I found out he was cheating on me years ago, I tried to leave and started seeing another. He pursued me & I forgave him (more than once), but finally we separated for 3 years until I returned and knocked on his door. I realize now I should have let the man come to me, if/when he is ready. I moved in with him a few years ago, but moved out after almost 2 yrs. of living under his roof. He disappears about once or twice a month, and we almost live separate lives, since he is so busy. He has a key to come & go at my place, and he is; I do not have a key to his house, and he doesn't like surprise visits. He won't fully commit or marry, although he often calls me his wife. For years, the excuse was his previous marriage, his kids & their growing problems. Now, he says I am too sensitive and short when I talk to people or I always have an attitude or complain about things. And, if I tell him I am not in the mood for sex, since he has emotionally turned me off, he still expects me to come home after work to be his wife, and forget about the hurt and anger he causes with his disappearing acts. I really love him and he does get attitude from me, because I tell him he does not respect me or our relationship. I have accepted him and all the "baggage" that came along, but he doesn't appreciate it - he acts like it is my duty. I'm not perfect, but I have no drama and am a good woman. I don't want to be a doormat for him to walk over. He knows me better than anyone, and I don't want to start all over in a new relationship when I know he CAN be good to me. He is great when he wants to be. He just agreed to go to pre-marital or pre-commitment counseling. Should we spend the time and money or should I just give him an ultimatum?

[deej42]

u need to get rid of that zero. he has to much baggage and he is not being honest with you...with all the diseases out there u do not need the drama. you deserve better. you need to move on. there is definitely someone out there for you. u do not have to settle. your mr right is out there for you.

[Mr Gumbo]

Welcome to AC and sorry about how you feeling but straight to the point you getting played. He's able to have a "WIFE" without actually making the commitment and he's able to still be a playa and he knows if he gets caught you will give in and take him back. You know why he don't like suprise visits because no telling which woman will be at his house. You don't have a key, dead give a way. Played that game for a long time. Disappearing acts, you know in your heart what he's doing but sometimes the hardest thing is to walk away. My advise, get out of the relationship and don't turn back.

[sephari]

please! you already know whats up

Originally Posted by lady4peace

I'm new to the forum and naiive in my early 40's. I've known & been dating a man on & off for 19 years.
it does not take a man nearly two decades to decide if he is going to marry you or not.
He was previously married w/ children and still has some drama now,
strike one! strike two!
although his "baby" is full grown. I've never been married & have no children. I'm independent financially, intelligent but with less worldy sophistication. When I found out he was cheating on me years ago, I tried to leave and started seeing another. He pursued me & I forgave him (more than once),
so he's cheated on you on several occasions, what has changed to make him change his actions?
but finally we separated for 3 years until I returned and knocked on his door.
strike three!
I realize now I should have let the man come to me, if/when he is ready.
oh you like all the drama?!?!
I moved in with him a few years ago,
why?!?
but moved out after almost 2 yrs. of living under his roof. He disappears about once or twice a month, and we almost live separate lives,
like i said, you know what's up
since he is so busy. He has a key to come & go at my place, and he is; I do not have a key to his house, and he doesn't like surprise visits.
why does he need a key? and, see my first comment
He won't fully commit or marry, although he often calls me his wife.
you don't think that that isn't messed up?
For years, the excuse was his previous marriage, his kids & their growing problems.
understandable
Now, he says I am too sensitive and short when I talk to people or I always have an attitude or complain about things.
let's assume he is 100% correct, then he should have dropped you years ago, but he didn't did he? so that means that your bringing something to his table.
And, if I tell him I am not in the mood for sex, since he has emotionally turned me off, he still expects me to come home after work to be his wife, and forget about the hurt and anger he causes with his disappearing acts.
what was that?
I really love him and he does get attitude from me, because I tell him he does not respect me or our relationship.
again, "YOU KNOW WHAT'S UP!!!"
I have accepted him and all the "baggage" that came along, but he doesn't appreciate it - he acts like it is my duty.
well as his wife it is your duty....oh wait your not his wife are you?
I'm not perfect, but I have no drama and am a good woman. I don't want to be a doormat for him to walk over.
then pick yourself up off the floor!!
He knows me better than anyone, and I don't want to start all over in a new relationship when I know he CAN be good to me.
you been with the man for 20 years! he better know you more than anyone!
He is great when he wants to be. He just agreed to go to pre-marital or pre-commitment counseling. Should we spend the time and money or should I just give him an ultimatum?

yes please give him an ultimatum, then he can do the best thing he will have ever done for you and drop you like a bad habit. then you can get on with your life and find you someone who will actually respect you as a person.

[afrocentric]

mmmmmm....didn't i read similar post like this? sorry just wondering. oh, btw...welcome to afrochat.

[s8loud]

I don't think giving him an ultimatum would be the right way to go, cuz that would mean that the two of you would still be "together." Along the lines of what deej42 said, I think it would be better for you in the long run to just let him go. Even if he decides to marry you, that won't change the type of person he is, and you've had more time than most people to gauge that for yourself. And after you end it, take some time for yourself without worrying about who to "start over" with. With all due respect, it sounds like you have your own personal issues to contend with, and I would suggest you do that before exposing yourself to another relationship.

[mlc0908]

Welcome to the family sis! I can relate to your story and it took a while and a lot of heartbreak for me to realize that I wasnt being treated fairly. Neither are you. This man is having his cake and eating it too and you have allowed him to have a giant comfort zone which he doesnt seem to deserve, appreciate, or respect. However he does seem to take you for granted and use his "baggage" as means to justify his actions, behavior and the way he treats you. I know you love him but you deserve better. Dont feel as if its too late to find another man...its never too late. Wouldnt you rather spend your time dating other men while on the quest to find the one who acknowledges you for all that you are and treats you accordingly, instead of wasting your time on a man who probably will be the same cheating, love abusing user loser? I would hope so. If not, are you interested, ready and willing to spend the next 19 years going through the same thing?

Whats this pre-committment thing about and do you actually believe its going to make a difference? IMO you dont really need to pay an outside source to listen to the two of you talk about the last 19 years in order for you to decide what to do about tomorrow. You know him well enough to know if he's on the up and up, finally ready to committ or still stringing your relationship along. Sounds to me like youre settling and have lowered your standards enough to accept less than what you want, need or deserve. Dont cheat or lie to yourself sis, theres enough of that going around already. I'm sure youve told him how he makes you feel and what you want from him and if that hasnt made a difference an ultimatum just may make matters worse. Besides, youre in control of what you do-and he should know that, so giving him a choice is an open invitation to keep on doing what he's been doing. He needs to know that youre serious and understand that you will be the one to decide if he's worthy of you or not. No matter what any of us say, you have to do what's right and best for you. I hope all goes well. Peace and blessings to you and yours.

[The Dragon]

You have let him know that you will take any thing from and off of him. He now knows he can call you "wifey" without the responsibility of making you one. He doesn't have to give you a key to his house and won't allow surprise visits but he has a key to your place and can come and go as he pleases.

You are his dormat and his semen cess pool toilet bowl. Please work on your self-esteem cause you don't have any. I have been there before (low self-esteem) and I could see your problem right off.

No need to change yourself to get him to change because he is accustomed to the way things are. Leave him now or continue to be a fool for him.

[afrocentric]

i'm agreeing with ms. dragon. Even though i have love for the sistas that have been there and done it i still say 2 words....Move On! it ain't worth it. you was never his to begin with.

[MadameX]

Originally Posted by lady4peace

I don't want to be a doormat for him to walk over.

Sistergirl, you're already his doormat if you've supposedly been going off and on with him 19 years, allowed yourself to move and in with him as a mistress (downright sinful). Basically, I'm going to tell you like the same thing that I told this other lost Sista by the login name of Namaste because of alot of young misguided sista are lost and naive to reality hitting you in face putting yourself out there on internet like that as a Black woman .

AgainSistagirl,if you want your realationship to work and everything in life to align just look in the mirror at yourself and do some soul searching/reflecing and meditation. Then , you get on your knees in prayer and look up the sky and give praise to the almighty for the answer you really want lies with him.