Wisdom Requested - Male & Female Perspectives Please!

[Curious1]

He has not only disappearing acts but "secrets"...(could be a whole 'nother
life with someone else...or drugs...

I would strongly suggest getting STD testing...

and pulling the strength together to get your key back ...and Your Life Back...

He isn't treating you as a wife..but instead..like a wifey...

I can't tell you what to do..and this is just your side of things...But YOU went back for MORE when you showed up BACK at his doorstep...I'd strongly suggest with all this...He is NOT a solid, dependable, trustworthy male for you that you should even seriously even be considering MARRAIGE with....he will cheat on you throughout your marraige...why would he stop..He has all of you COMING BACK to him...so he may think ya'll don;'t have that much of a problem with it and acutally accept his serial cheating...


Don't marry him..and please try to get ti together enough to chalk it up..he DOES NOT owe you for time spent over these "18-20yrs" of cat and mouse game......He has no intention of stopping enjoying his new divorce single life..not ties..why would he repeat that if he already didn't like it the first time with his real ex-wife...nro their kids...

Let..it Go...see it for what it is...You are Sex to him...and yeah he probably would call you a "friend"..his cutt buddy for many yrs..but not serious like that to him about you...his ACTIONS tell me this is how he really feels...

Good Luck ..but Get Out...with your Pride and Self Dignity...

[MadameX]

Originally Posted by MadameX

Sistergirl, you're already his doormat if you've supposedly been going off and on with him 19 years, allowed yourself to move and in with him as a mistress (downright sinful). Basically, I'm going to tell you like the same thing that I told this other lost Sista by the login name of Namaste because of alot of young misguided sista are lost and naive to reality hitting you in face putting yourself out there on internet like that as a Black woman .

AgainSistagirl,if you want your realationship to work and everything in life to align just look in the mirror at yourself and do some soul searching/reflecing and meditation. Then , you get on your knees in prayer and look up the sky and give praise to the almighty for the answer you really want lies with him.

Sistergirl follow the advice above for your answer lies their not on the World Wide Web. In addition , you need to read the Bible and talk with your pastor.

[Its Ok 2 B Quiet]

I'm new to the forum and naiive in my early 40's. I've known & been dating a man on & off for 19 years. He was previously married w/ children and still has some drama now, although his "baby" is full grown. I've never been married & have no children. I'm independent financially, intelligent but with less worldy sophistication.


Your level sophistication don't have nothing to do with it........its how you carry yourself period.

When I found out he was cheating on me years ago, I tried to leave and started seeing another. He pursued me & I forgave him (more than once), but finally we separated for 3 years until I returned and knocked on his door. I realize now I should have let the man come to me, if/when he is ready. I moved in with him a few years ago, but moved out after almost 2 yrs. of living under his roof.


Why would you have been willing to take him back regardless of who approached first? And he cheated more than once?


He disappears about once or twice a month, and we almost live separate lives, since he is so busy. He has a key to come & go at my place, and he is; I do not have a key to his house, and he doesn't like surprise visits.



You shouldn't have accepted these conditions. All you've done is let him think its ok to treat you this way.

He won't fully commit or marry, although he often calls me his wife. For years, the excuse was his previous marriage, his kids & their growing problems. Now, he says I am too sensitive and short when I talk to people or I always have an attitude or complain about things. And, if I tell him I am not in the mood for sex, since he has emotionally turned me off, he still expects me to come home after work to be his wife, and forget about the hurt and anger he causes with his disappearing acts.


If he did want to commit to you, would you honestly and really want that? He's making tons of excuses as to why he doesn't want to commit to including blaming you but the issues are not so much that he'll give up the "benefits". Maybe your comfortable with things and don't think that you can find someone that would actually treat you better. Your being emotionally turned off isn't going to go away because as long as he continues doing what he's doing, its like he's fanning the flame.


I really love him and he does get attitude from me, because I tell him he does not respect me or our relationship. I have accepted him and all the "baggage" that came along, but he doesn't appreciate it - he acts like it is my duty.


He probably doesn't respect the relationship, so why would you want a committment from him? If he hasn't appreciated what you've brought to the table in 19 years, how much longer are you willing to wait before he MIGHT come around?


I'm not perfect, but I have no drama and am a good woman. I don't want to be a doormat for him to walk over. He knows me better than anyone, and I don't want to start all over in a new relationship when I know he CAN be good to me. He is great when he wants to be. He just agreed to go to pre-marital or pre-commitment counseling. Should we spend the time and money or should I just give him an ultimatum?


You know he can be good to you but he won't.....not like you want him to be or need him to be. IMO, I don't think I'd go for counseling (and that's just me) because you two have had 19-20 years to get it right and I am not sure what a counselor can say to change things.

Understand I am not trying to man bash, just been there but for 22 years. While I had some fear about getting back out there and starting over, I wanted what I wanted and didn't want to waste anymore energy on something that wasn't going to work. There was too much damage. I haven't given up on thinking that there is a man out there that I can give what he needs and he do the same.

I wish you the best of luck with your relationship.

[MadameX]

[PeaceSis]

Sometimes, women just can't seem to comprehend that there are other people available who would be better partners. Often they stay with losers because they just can't seem to grasp that they could possibly get someone else. Don't be afraid of the unknown future. You appear to have been doing well alone, just think of the freedom from stress you will feel once you've let this guy go. It just feels like you're losing a good thing, but trust me you aren't. When time has passed, you'll be so glad you made the decision to move on. From reading your post, staying with him won't make things any better. He is what he is.

[MadameX]

[StJohn1726]

Originally Posted by lady4peace

I'm new to the forum and naiive in my early 40's. I've known & been dating a man on & off for 19 years. He was previously married w/ children and still has some drama now, although his "baby" is full grown. I've never been married & have no children. I'm independent financially, intelligent but with less worldy sophistication. When I found out he was cheating on me years ago, I tried to leave and started seeing another. He pursued me & I forgave him (more than once), but finally we separated for 3 years until I returned and knocked on his door. I realize now I should have let the man come to me, if/when he is ready. I moved in with him a few years ago, but moved out after almost 2 yrs. of living under his roof. He disappears about once or twice a month, and we almost live separate lives, since he is so busy. He has a key to come & go at my place, and he is; I do not have a key to his house, and he doesn't like surprise visits. He won't fully commit or marry, although he often calls me his wife. For years, the excuse was his previous marriage, his kids & their growing problems. Now, he says I am too sensitive and short when I talk to people or I always have an attitude or complain about things. And, if I tell him I am not in the mood for sex, since he has emotionally turned me off, he still expects me to come home after work to be his wife, and forget about the hurt and anger he causes with his disappearing acts. I really love him and he does get attitude from me, because I tell him he does not respect me or our relationship. I have accepted him and all the "baggage" that came along, but he doesn't appreciate it - he acts like it is my duty. I'm not perfect, but I have no drama and am a good woman. I don't want to be a doormat for him to walk over. He knows me better than anyone, and I don't want to start all over in a new relationship when I know he CAN be good to me. He is great when he wants to be. He just agreed to go to pre-marital or pre-commitment counseling. Should we spend the time and money or should I just give him an ultimatum?

Lady4peace, I truly mean you no disrespect, but sometimes I'm not very tactful, so please give me a little leeway here.

If this situation was not working for you on some level you probably would not be in it. When it stops working for you altogether, you will leave and won't need to seek any advice from anyone else before you go. You'll just know that it's time.

Live for yourself and your Source as you understand it. Damn what other people think of you and your situation, because in the end, only you have to live with yourself and your choices. Your happiness is just that, YOURS.

Hold your head up, sista. You'll make the right decision for you in your own time.