Dead in relationship?

[Namaste]

Hello board,

I'm new and wanted to vent to someone since I don't feel I can talk my friends ears off.

I've been with a guy now for 18 months. When I met him I had just recently called off an engagement and he had just separated from his wife. We took it slow getting to know each other. Everything was fine until 4 months ago he got a transfer to be closer to his daughter (who is 4 years old). We decided to do a long distance relationship. I was very hesistant because I felt this would end the relationship. He wanted to keep the relationship. He's in a city where all of my family is so it was no big deal because I had planned on getting a transfer one day but because everything was going so great with us I decided to put in a transfer earlier and it will take about a year to complete.

lately he's been going to church. Now he's found the Lord and want to have a celibate relationship. I'm pissed, not that he' s finding himself but that I felt he's using religion as an excuse to eventually say "the Lord told him to end this relationship" ya know some cowardly excuse. I've been down that road before and when I heard it - it took me back about 5 years ago when a guy said that to me and married someone else....Nonetheless I said I would try it because I've had celibate relations before and I tried not to compare him to the last guy who use "God" as an excuse, but now we (current relationship) don't talk as much. He thinks everything is fine. I on the other hand am hurt, embarassed, and not to sure of the future of this relationship. He says I'm making an issue when there is really none and now I have a wall up, Stopped going to see him all because I'm waiting for the day the "religion" excuse is going to come into play. I think we got involved way too soon now that he's trying to, basically, get himself together after we've been together 18 months. I don't think he gave himself enough time after the divorce. I thought, listening to him, we were on the "lifetime" and don't want to give this away so easily. BTW I'm 30 he's 40. Were in the same field and we have a lot in common. My feelings for him superceeds the feelings I had for the ex-fiance and if this fails I will truly feel used and bitter. My ex-fiance has moved on and is getting married and that could be the reason why I feel like such a loser when I look at my situation. Does this relationship sound doomed? He claims he wants this, I am starting to have doubts. I feel so unsure of myself, and this even effects my decisions at my job. They (at my job) say they see a difference in me. they say I don't seem as sure of myself as I use to. I appear to be very indecisive and the job I do I have to be right the first time or people die, now with this crap going on in my life it's effecting me in everyway. I'm lost, hurt, and all of the above.

[The Dragon]

First, see if you can take a short break from your job. Just say you are in a very stressfull situation at this time and need a few days off.

Secondly, drop this man. It seems that he may be trying to patch things up with his exwife and he has the right to make up his mind to do this.

Stop feeling insecure. No one man is making you feel this way, this is something that keeps coming up from deep inside you everytime you think you have failed at something, particularily love and relationships.

You need more time alone to heal yourself and do some soul-searching.

Originally Posted by Namaste

Hello board,

I'm new and wanted to vent to someone since I don't feel I can talk my friends ears off.

I've been with a guy now for 18 months. When I met him I had just recently called off an engagement and he had just separated from his wife. We took it slow getting to know each other. Everything was fine until 4 months ago he got a transfer to be closer to his daughter (who is 4 years old). We decided to do a long distance relationship. I was very hesistant because I felt this would end the relationship. He wanted to keep the relationship. He's in a city where all of my family is so it was no big deal because I had planned on getting a transfer one day but because everything was going so great with us I decided to put in a transfer earlier and it will take about a year to complete.

lately he's been going to church. Now he's found the Lord and want to have a celibate relationship. I'm pissed, not that he' s finding himself but that I felt he's using religion as an excuse to eventually say "the Lord told him to end this relationship" ya know some cowardly excuse. I've been down that road before and when I heard it - it took me back about 5 years ago when a guy said that to me and married someone else....Nonetheless I said I would try it because I've had celibate relations before and I tried not to compare him to the last guy who use "God" as an excuse, but now we (current relationship) don't talk as much. He thinks everything is fine. I on the other hand am hurt, embarassed, and not to sure of the future of this relationship. He says I'm making an issue when there is really none and now I have a wall up, Stopped going to see him all because I'm waiting for the day the "religion" excuse is going to come into play. I think we got involved way too soon now that he's trying to, basically, get himself together after we've been together 18 months. I don't think he gave himself enough time after the divorce. I thought, listening to him, we were on the "lifetime" and don't want to give this away so easily. BTW I'm 30 he's 40. Were in the same field and we have a lot in common. My feelings for him superceeds the feelings I had for the ex-fiance and if this fails I will truly feel used and bitter. My ex-fiance has moved on and is getting married and that could be the reason why I feel like such a loser when I look at my situation. Does this relationship sound doomed? He claims he wants this, I am starting to have doubts. I feel so unsure of myself, and this even effects my decisions at my job. They (at my job) say they see a difference in me. they say I don't seem as sure of myself as I use to. I appear to be very indecisive and the job I do I have to be right the first time or people die, now with this crap going on in my life it's effecting me in everyway. I'm lost, hurt, and all of the above.

I think your best bet here is if you're feeling like ending the thing, you should end it. Sometimes it's best to get in your head what you want to do then talk to your significant other. That way, how you feel will be unmistakeable and he/she can let you know what they truly want to do.

This is why polyamory is so attractive to people. It's not so tangled with emotions.

[MadameX]

Originally Posted by Namaste

. I'm lost, hurt, and all of the above.

Sistagirl,if you want your relationship to work and everything in life to align just look in the mirror at yourself and do some reflecting and meditation. Then , you get on your knees in prayer and look up the sky and give praise to the almighty for the answer you really want lies with him.

[Proudbrothaman]

It would be a shame to let that man go if he really is getting himself right with the Lord. Like Dragon said; take a long weekend and go see him and don't leave the house until both of you have a understanding on where you stand. Anything other then that is speculation and assumptions.

[The Dragon]

Originally Posted by Proudbrothaman

It would be a shame to let that man go if he really is getting himself right with the Lord. Like Dragon said; take a long weekend and go see him and don't leave the house until both of you have a understanding on where you stand. Anything other then that is speculation and assumptions.

No, I said take a leave from the job to deal with the stress she is experiencing. I told her to literally forget about him! Regardless if he is trying to get close to the "lord" or not. It's more than just the sex, men don't stop caring for you and calling you just because they are becoming or trying to become spiritual.

[Curious1]

Originally Posted by Namaste

Hello board,

I'm new and wanted to vent to someone since I don't feel I can talk my friends ears off.

MAY BE PERSONAL, BUT HOW LONG WERE YOU WITH THE EX-FIANCEE' AND THEN HOW LONG HAD IT BEEN THAT YOU ENDED IT AND BEGAN DATING THE THEM "JUST SEPARATED" BUT STILL WAS MARRIED MAN???

We decided to do a long distance relationship. I was very hesistant because I felt this would end the relationship. He wanted to keep the relationship.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU'LL BE TRANSFERRING THERE AND WILL BE ABLE TO GET A GIST OF THE DIRECTION OF THIS RELATIONSHIP,IF IT PANS OUT

lately he's been going to church. Now he's found the Lord and want to have a celibate relationship.

...UH..JMO BUT THE "LORD" IS NEVER A COWARDLY EXCUSE..SHOOT, IT DOES SPEAK ON FORNICATION AND IN HIS CASE, ADULTERY, SINCE HE WAS STILL LEGALLY MARRIED WHEN HE MET YOU?? HE MAY JUST BE TRYING TO RIGHT SOME PERSONAL WRONGS HE MAY FEEL HE WAS DOING..LIVIN' DIRTY ,MAYBE HE MAY THINK??" ....

Nonetheless I said I would try it because I've had celibate relations before and I tried not to compare him to the last guy who use "God" as an excuse, but now we (current relationship) don't talk as much. He thinks everything is fine. I on the other hand am hurt, embarassed, and not to sure of the future of this relationship.

He says I'm making an issue when there is really none and now I have a wall up,

I'M THINKING IF HE NOTICED YOU STOPPED OR SLOWED DOWN VISITING HIM...IS HE SAYING THAT "JESUS" IS TELLING HIM NOT TO COME VISIT YOU..?? VISITING IS A 2-WAY STREET...I THINK...

I think we got involved way too soon now that he's trying to, basically, get himself together after we've been together 18 months.I don't think he gave himself enough time after the divorce.

I AGREE

I thought, listening to him, we were on the "lifetime" and don't want to give this away so easily. BTW I'm 30 he's 40. Were in the same field and we have a lot in common. My feelings for him superceeds the feelings I had for the ex-fiance and if this fails I will truly feel used and bitter.

Does this relationship sound doomed? He claims he wants this, I am starting to have doubts. I feel so unsure of myself, and this even effects my decisions at my job. They (at my job) say they see a difference in me. they say I don't seem as sure of myself as I use to. I appear to be very indecisive and the job I do I have to be right the first time or people die, now with this crap going on in my life it's effecting me in everyway. I'm lost, hurt, and all of the above.

It may not be "doomed"...but it has "changed"...I'd say, don't stop communicating with him...If he is getting serious about correcting his relationship with GOD and his life..and reconcialing his role in his divorce and making amends to his 4-yr old,build up on that relationship...sounds like he has a lot on his plate..emotionally...Ya'll probably did get in soon, but the separation only shone a light on ya'll differences and expectations..If you don't feel you love or like him like that..then by all means..let it go...and if he is trying to grow into himself via GOD and that is not where you are right now..may have to let him gO..so he can reconnect his relationship with his GOD and The Bible and stuff...now if he is not that deep into the religion attempts and still wants to try to get with you....then all you can try is a try...long distance relationships can be tough...

But reading this...it sounds like you are mentally bringing the baggage from past relationships into this one...Being an Erykah Badu.."Bag Lady"...

I can't say this may make any sense at all and is difficult to respond to for me..because there are soooo many issues woven into it...He moved to be closer to his daughter and joined a Church which is working on him trying to get his "mind" and "spirit" right...I can't fault him for that...how could I...UGH...

I'm thinking you just can't get with a long distance relationship....and yeah, have some baggage from before that makes you weary...(i.e the other guy who used Religion as reason to break up..(again many religious folks don't think of it as an excuse as per their religion and Bible it is "fornication" a sin to them...) and then the fiancee who has found a true love and is going to marry her...not in a state of emotional confusion..moving his life to the next phase of some trials & tribulations but still willing to try committment to professing love to ONE other person...I' not compare exes loves and lives to yours...People make decisions for THEIR LIVES...and good or bad...live with them...please don't have those regrets...You're doing what is best for you and there's nothing wrong with that...but on this..don't give up or hide out UNTIL and UNLESS you are sure ya'll have discussed RAW TRUTH and expectations...and PATHS....

[Namaste]

Originally Posted by The Dragon

First, see if you can take a short break from your job. Just say you are in a very stressfull situation at this time and need a few days off.

Secondly, drop this man. It seems that he may be trying to patch things up with his exwife and he has the right to make up his mind to do this.

Stop feeling insecure. No one man is making you feel this way, this is something that keeps coming up from deep inside you everytime you think you have failed at something, particularily love and relationships.

You need more time alone to heal yourself and do some soul-searching.

Thanks. I wish I could take some time off but due to emergency staffing I'm on call a lot. I have been talking to him everyday this week about this, telling him if he's not feeling me, us, then let me go now. He still pursists that he wants this but I feel he is trying to turn this on me. He says "You knew this well into the relationship that I wanted to be a part of my daughter's life". Yes I knew that, but something in me is saying that child and church is an excuse sometimes. After all we've only been doing this long distance for about 4 months now and maybe I should give him the benefit of doubt that he just got there and hasn't learned to balance his "new" life.... I feel he used me to get over his divorce, now that he's over it, he's back to getting his life together and it's like "Namaste, you're the one making a big deal out of nothing". It could be speculation but I feel like he's keeping me around until he finds what he wants, or the good old he doesn't want me now but doesn't want me to find someone else and completely block him out of my life.

[Namaste]

Originally Posted by Curious1

It may not be "doomed"...but it has "changed"...I'd say, don't stop communicating with him...If he is getting serious about correcting his relationship with GOD and his life..and reconcialing his role in his divorce and making amends to his 4-yr old,build up on that relationship...sounds like he has a lot on his plate..emotionally...Ya'll probably did get in soon, but the separation only shone a light on ya'll differences and expectations..If you don't feel you love or like him like that..then by all means..let it go...and if he is trying to grow into himself via GOD and that is not where you are right now..may have to let him gO..so he can reconnect his relationship with his GOD and The Bible and stuff...now if he is not that deep into the religion attempts and still wants to try to get with you....then all you can try is a try...long distance relationships can be tough...

But reading this...it sounds like you are mentally bringing the baggage from past relationships into this one...Being an Erykah Badu.."Bag Lady"...

I can't say this may make any sense at all and is difficult to respond to for me..because there are soooo many issues woven into it...He moved to be closer to his daughter and joined a Church which is working on him trying to get his "mind" and "spirit" right...I can't fault him for that...how could I...UGH...

I'm thinking you just can't get with a long distance relationship....and yeah, have some baggage from before that makes you weary...(i.e the other guy who used Religion as reason to break up..(again many religious folks don't think of it as an excuse as per their religion and Bible it is "fornication" a sin to them...) and then the fiancee who has found a true love and is going to marry her...not in a state of emotional confusion..moving his life to the next phase of some trials & tribulations but still willing to try committment to professing love to ONE other person...I' not compare exes loves and lives to yours...People make decisions for THEIR LIVES...and good or bad...live with them...please don't have those regrets...You're doing what is best for you and there's nothing wrong with that...but on this..don't give up or hide out UNTIL and UNLESS you are sure ya'll have discussed RAW TRUTH and expectations...and PATHS....

True and thanks alot. We did discuss marriage today because I wanted to know if I was wasting my time. He said he could see us there BUT now that I say I'm on the fence about kids (before I said I didn't want any) that gives him something to think about because he doesn't want me resenting him if he doesn't want any. I don't want kids. I have never wanted kids but I don't want to rule them out either. I'm like if it happens great, if it doesn't happen that's great too. He's been wishy washy on the subject of children because he already has two and I felt like he is now finding counteracting conversations to mess with my head.... I could be putting more into this but at this point I'm like mush.....

[Namaste]

Originally Posted by MadameX

Sistagirl,if you want your relationship to work and everything in life to align just look in the mirror at yourself and do some reflecting and meditation. Then , you get on your knees in prayer and look up the sky and give praise to the almighty for the answer you really want lies with him.

I am praying, but my heart is so hard so I doubt if I'm being heard and I seriously doubt my crying everyday means I've given this thing to God. As they say if you worry why pray and if you pray why worry and I'm an emotional wreck before during and after work, at home, in my car, anywhere. My dad is so worried about me and thinks I'm taking this waaaay too hard. He spoke to me 2 weeks ago and he said I sound the same-that scary calm voice with little to no emotion. I have never felt like this in my life and I've had many relationships. I don't want to get up and when I do the first thing I do is cry, It's a burden to go to work, socializing is a burden and I barely answer my phone. I am a little embarassed right now about how this thing is turning out. I think it's something worth seeking but I can't do this all by myself. He doesn't see anything wrong with how things are going now. In his mind I'm making all of the issues up because I knew he wanted to be a part of his daughters life. I am not going to give him an easy out and say "It's over". I want him to be a man and say it.