Dead in relationship?

[afrocentric]

two words for ya.....move on. i'm pretty sure you have heard this before. but you know what i have been there and done it. i have seen this done in churches when i was coming up. it always turns up the wife winning her husband back for the sake of the kids. so forget it....move on to someone who is single and possibility don't have any kids. so that way no one gets hurt anymore than it already has.

[BlackXpat]

You cant find any non divorced men?

[elmb]

Wow, this is deep and I feel your pain on many levels. It does sound like there are different levels of controversies here but the most important is that neither one of you took the time to heal from the relationship prior and until that happens, neither one of you are any good for eachother or anyone else.....Take some YOU time sweetie...It's hard but it is so prosperous for many reasons and it will help you be able to be healthy for whomever is coming into your life....non-married and available.....smile

[Namaste]

Originally Posted by BlackXpat

You cant find any non divorced men?

*Update, we are no longer together*

It's not that I can't find a non-divorced or single man but I've been in my career for 10 years now. I'm a little bit more settled than most men my age and I'm not looking for someone who is still trying to find themselves (Ironic I know) or someone who lives at home or is still talking about what they want to be when they grow up instead of being that.
I may piss some off, but honestly how many black men 30 years of age are stable in their own place, no kids, smart, good credit, are still into black women, is mature, has a personality, and isn't playing mind games? Please tell me because I don't have a clue I have always dated and been attracted to older men and no I'm looking for a father figure, my relationship with my father is fine. I'm not the independant black woman who rants and rave about not needing a man because I know that all the things I can do for myself I still want a companion to grow with. I have never told a man "I don't need you". I am very much like the Jill Scott song "I need you". But I always hear It's not you it's me, you're gonna make some man a good wife some day, I don't deserve to have you, etc and the problem really could be me and who I attract. Knowing this man for sometime I would have never thought he'd be as messed up as he was.... You'd think a 40 year old man wouldn't be playing games and being selfish. He really made it seem like we had a future together. When I was the one saying let this go, he was always the one saying he's in this for the long haul... He made me believe that bullshit and when the pressure was on his *** bailed.

The older and longer I stay single I get I feel like most men will see me as what I call the "virgin" concept. The concept sounds nice when you're young to get one but the older you get and if she has no children, never been married, great career, but no man then something has to be wrong with her and no one is willing to take the chance because they don't want to "teach" you new things nor do they have the patience... Most men today have children or are divorced. So they will always see me and a little naive because they think they've been there and done that which I think is B.S. I just happened to be smart enough to not have gone down that road so atleast give me some props for not having children out of wedlock or marrying someone I didn't love or got married just for the sake of saying that I was because everyone around me is married.

[BlackXpat]

Your life is similar to mine,only im a man and i went through this my last relationship,only once.Im 35 single no kids never been married and i have big plans for my future.I ask you "Can't you find a man that was not divorced" cause if im not mistaken it seems that you were involved with this man when he was married.And i feel that maybe Kamra took it's course.Im not passing judgement,but i know there are men out here i am one of them.And believe me that cat at his moms house thats 28 or 29,with a beater car,no kids and no debt might be the one worth investing in.I too was this man at one time.There were times when i had to move back,but i got it together (home,car,will be in business this year).Never know whats out there.

[Namaste]

They were separated and living in separate places. I was never involved with him while they were together. I came along during the divorce part. So I have to take part of the blaim because I should have known better and gave him some time to get himself together from a distance. But since we were both in the same field I felt we had the same mutual respect for one another. I was in no rush and was open to seeing people is they came along but a part of me wanted him. Always did but I never said anything. We had a chemistry that I hadn't felt before. But listening to this "mature" man talkin about there is no need for us to do this if we are going to see other people and that he wants a long term relationship, etc I listened like an idiot. Karma, yeah right. Let's talk about Karma. My ex-fiance started messing with a girlfriend of mine who is a preacher (behind my back) and they are getting married.... I messed with a man who was separated in the process of divorce and now I'm back at square one? Where's the Karma in that?

[Namaste]

Originally Posted by BlackXpat

And believe me that cat at his moms house thats 28 or 29,with a beater car,no kids and no debt might be the one worth investing in.I too was this man at one time.There were times when i had to move back,but i got it together (home,car,will be in business this year).Never know whats out there.

Now that kind of guy I don't mind. But the one who doesn't have a job and living at home with big dreams I can't do. I too had to go back home when I first got out of the military but I was only there for a year and that was it. I worked 2 jobs and went to school. But I get upset when I see men who make excuses as to why they can't make their lives better. I guess that's why I was more attracted to older guys because it was less drama. But I feel older men look at me as if they can't seriously settle with me because of my age. Even if things are going great they always find some excuse to end it.

[DBlack]

Namaste,

Sorry for what you are going through. But it seems to me you already know the answer to your problems, you just want others to tell you.

First, if this relationship is effecting your job that much, given importance of your job, perhaps you need to take a break from the relationship. He's not your husband, so why put yourself through that much heartbreak for a boyfriend?

I'm sure there is more to the story than what you are telling (I'm married, so I understand that woman tell stories very differently from what they actually are), but I just can't see why any woman would get herself caught up with a man that's taken. And vice versa. Give him time to break up and get settled. Breakups are painful and emotional. Both of you need to know that the baggage has been taken out before you entertain getting serious.

I could sit here and dog him out, but you are just as much to blame as he is, because you are a willing participant in the drama.

Good luck,

[Namaste]

DBlack,

There really isn't much else to say. There is nothing more to the story. I don't want to put the brotha on blast by posting the last email he sent to me because it will say the same things I've said on this board. I was not involved with this man in any way while he was living at his marital home. I came along during the divorce when they were both in separate homes...... There is nothing more I can say because I think everyone has this perception that something was going on while he was married and it wasn't, if you call the separation period still married then yes that would be valid. But I was no one's mistress.

[Namaste]

And to add, they are divorced now.