How Long Do You Stay Before Deciding To Leave?

[Its Ok 2 B Quiet]

I was talkng to an acquaintance who has been married a long time but is unhappy. Her spouse has cheated on her, drinks and has dabbles in a little drug use. She isn't the only female who is unhappily married but some of the conversation is the same. They don't like to be intimate with the mate and haven't been so in months and at times years. They have been hurt so much, that they just don't love them anymore or have any desire for them but they don't leave which is mainly due to the financial difficulties they would be faced with.

Now my question is for the men. If you are seeing, experiencing the distance from your wife how do you deal with it? There are some men who know that there is something wrong but don't acknowledge it and act as if nothing is wrong. If they see the break down, you have to see it as well. Your sleeping in separate locations, no sex for long periods of time, you aren't talking to each other, etc.

When do you (as the man) determine that its time to leave? What is it that makes those stay when they see it crumbling around them? Both of you may be on the same page as far as deciding to let the marriage go, but are too afraid to say it.


Just curious how a man feels when in this situtation.

[Its Ok 2 B Quiet]

BOT. Is this a previous topic? You guys are quiet on this one. Its just a question, not bashing anyone just wanted to know how the men see it.

[Sumyr]

Itsok2bquiet, Most of the gents on here are newlyweds (married within the last 2 years or so) or engaged. So, things are blissful around these parts, which is a good thing. But that won't give you the answers you seek.

We must have been thinking along the same lines as I wanted to poses a similar question, only my question wasn't restricted to just men. But I would like to know as well. Maybe somone that has had "past fallings out" will respond.

[Lediamand]

Well I am not married but I have seen this case scenario plenty of times around people I know, the main reasons the guys you usually remain in the relationship its because of the children and other usually still have strong feelings for the wives despite the difficulties, those are the few family oriented men out there who really don't want their children to pay for their marriage failure and tried to stay till they can find a way to resolve things. Other than that this case usually ends up in a divorce with the guy bailing out first.

[Its Ok 2 B Quiet]

Sumyr - Your right that is a good thing. That's a good idea to open it up to anyone who'd like to respond (so please do to any who has something to add).

Lediamand - Thanks for responding. I also hear that they (both women & men) tend to stay for the children but what message is staying in a bad marriage sending them? They go into their relationships with their expectations being based on the parents and if that's all they've seen its hard for them to gage if its the correct behavior.

Just thinking out loud.

[Ms.Tee]

I honestly think it depends on age and length of marriage. Most older black men aren't starting over, period. It has to be really bad or she puts the rooster out. I think that is the biggest issue especially when kids are not a factor.
Also as crazy as this sounds I think it's because black men don't live on their own as often as we do starting out. Brothers don't get mad ( I love yall)...but I think it's a lower percentage of black men leaving home and doing the single thing on their own compared to black women. Not to say brothers aren't doing it but I just don't think that they do it at the rate we do. It seems harder to leave marriages or any relationship when you are not sure how to live by yourself. Or you went from familiy to a living with a lady.

I have a friend now who went from his mama's house to living with a wife. He has gone from relationship to relationship a few marriages included. I always tell him you need to live on your own for a minute. I think once you've lived alone it's easier to get out of a situation and do it again if you have to.

[Corals]

Originally Posted by Sumyr

Most of the gents on here are newlyweds (married within the last 2 years or so) or engaged.

Wow Sumyr, you seem to know a lot regarding members marital status!! lol

[Its Ok 2 B Quiet]

Ms. Tee - That might explain why this one attorney (family) told me that when a couple divorces, that the man tends to marry again within a year.

[Sumyr]

Wow Sumyr, you seem to know a lot regarding members marital status!! lol

Corals, Just going by what they have said on here and I believe them to be true. Actually, we have a few that have been married for over 10-15+ years like brotha Robbboy. I just remember a lot from the posts like where their point of view may be coming from and keep some things in mind when replying.

[robbboy2003]

Originally Posted by Sumyr

Corals, Just going by what they have said on here and I believe them to be true. Actually, we have a few that have been married for over 10-15+ years like brotha Robbboy. I just remember a lot from the posts like where their point of view may be coming from and keep some things in mind when replying.

Although i'm beyond happy these almost twenty-four years, i can't figure out how we were able to walk the aisle at age ten,that my partner is claiming now lol! Oh, that's right some folks claiming 40 is the new thirty,and mysteriously subtract a year,or two,but i digress.

I would,or could not stay in a loveless marriage,or relationship. That connection has to be there. If there were children,certainly that would give one pause to think about the ramfications,or consequences wheres it concerns them. Again, if we're having problems,because of someone having,an affair. Personally, the children needn't see us their parents go at each other like that. Cheating,gambling drugging would be the things to set us up for splitsville. Before all of this gets to this point. The couple should talk.

I will say this. Some folks find it much easier to talk to any body else except the partner,which is stupid. They have problems,and he,or she hooks up with the first sympathic ear,that happens to be good looking and the opposite sex. That's how many folks fan the flames today and do harm to their home.