How Long Do You Stay Before Deciding To Leave?

[Sumyr]

Although i'm beyond happy these almost twenty-four years, i can't figure out how we were able to walk the aisle at age ten,that my partner is claiming now lol! Oh, that's right some folks claiming 40 is the new thirty,and mysteriously subtract a year,or two,but i digress.

I would,or could not stay in a loveless marriage,or relationship. That connection has to be there. If there were children,certainly that would give one pause to think about the ramfications,or consequences wheres it concerns them. Again, if we're having problems,because of someone having,an affair. Personally, the children needn't see us their parents go at each other like that. Cheating,gambling drugging would be the things to set us up for splitsville. Before all of this gets to this point. The couple should talk.

I will say this. Some folks find it much easier to talk to any body else except the partner,which is stupid. They have problems,and he,or she hooks up with the first sympathic ear,that happens to be good looking and the opposite sex. That's how many folks fan the flames today and do harm to their home.

Robbboy, Verying good synopsis! As I told the original poster, I had a similar thread I wanted to post. I've often wondered, when is a good time to stay and when is a good time to leave? I've found myself "tennis-balling" (back-n-forth) about the issue. There was a time I was soooooo set in my ways and offered no room for forgiveness. But now, I'm not so sure if I would leave under the same cirmcumstances should they present themselves. I'm more tolerable in some areas, but less patient in others.

An example would be should everyone leave their spouse if infidelity is involved? Back in the day - I would. No questions asked. But NOW, I'm not so sure. I have a lot invested now, (namely this is the first time I've EVER been in love). That's one avenue but there are many others which make me more apt to "work it out". And it would depend on the circumstances surrounding the infidelity. Am I saying that I or others should be a blind door mat and let their spouses walk all over them and do what the hell they please. Hell no! But sometimes, just maybe, somethings are worth working on. Plus we are so quick to say what we would/wouldn't do in a situation. Bottom line: No one really knows what they will/wouldn't do until they are faced with said situation.

[ardamus]

Originally Posted by Its Ok 2 B Quiet

I was talkng to an acquaintance who has been married a long time but is unhappy. Her spouse has cheated on her, drinks and has dabbles in a little drug use. She isn't the only female who is unhappily married but some of the conversation is the same. They don't like to be intimate with the mate and haven't been so in months and at times years. They have been hurt so much, that they just don't love them anymore or have any desire for them but they don't leave which is mainly due to the financial difficulties they would be faced with.

Now my question is for the men. If you are seeing, experiencing the distance from your wife how do you deal with it? There are some men who know that there is something wrong but don't acknowledge it and act as if nothing is wrong. If they see the break down, you have to see it as well. Your sleeping in separate locations, no sex for long periods of time, you aren't talking to each other, etc.

When do you (as the man) determine that its time to leave? What is it that makes those stay when they see it crumbling around them? Both of you may be on the same page as far as deciding to let the marriage go, but are too afraid to say it.


Just curious how a man feels when in this situtation.

Hate to say it but this why I will always understand why people get pre-nups. One thing about marriage that I seem to take away from it is that people still keep growing. Whether or not it is together and if its positive or negative......thats up to the couple. Thats was a big reason why I didn't get married. Even though two people are coming together as one, happiness for both people are to the relationship being able to function properly. Sorry to hear about your friend. Cheated on her and he has a drug abuse problem? Sounds like a personal issue that affects the family.

[matrixone05]

When you know you've done everything in your power to make it work and it still doesn't.
When you know that no matter what you do, things won't change.
When there is emotional or physical abuse.

But if you have a partner that is willing to work to fix what is wrong...you should be willing to work with that partner and try. I didn't with my first husband, and later realized by being married to the second one that I had a much better marriage than I thought I had and that I was very wrong for leaving someone that loved me enough to try. A hard heart is an ugly thing. I learned that one the hard way.

[Talent]

Its time to leave when it becomes evident that your presence, and patience will no longer resolve the conflict.
As much as it may hurt, or not....
Staying in a place where there is no connection emotionally or physically is insanity.
Its time to go, when you no longer value your lover, and they no longer value you...
Its time to go when you are no longer the priority.
Its time to go when you become the question? and your lover is no longer sure.
Its time to go when home is somewhere else to go when everything else is closed.
Its time to go when you stay up til 5:00 AM sleeping on the sofa hoping your significant other, lover, or spouse is in deep enough rim that they dont resort to the constant inquiries of whats wrong, and why not, and how come?

Thats when its time......

[Its Ok 2 B Quiet]

Thanks everyone for your input. Its sad to see someone who clearly doesn't want to do it anymore but staying in a situation because of financial issues, fear (a few say they're scared of stepping out alone). There are subtle ways you start disrespecting the other person and it continues to build until there is nothing but resentment.

In living in that type of environment, the heart does grow cold (I think its adapting to the environment) and boundaries are reset. Here you have a person that knows so much about you, seen everything there is to see of you but the damage is such that you can't get past it.

[hoopskidoodle]

I married and divorced at a young age, and I have no intention of every marrying again. However, in the context of a relationship, if a situation develops where I don't feel loved by the woman in question, then I will pro-actively extricate myself from that relationship. I'm not a big fan of hanging around until things get ugly.

[Chinky]

Everyone has good and bad spells in their relationship...if you have more bad days than good days then its time to go. Love shouldn't make you miserable.

[poeticasylum1]

I was in a situation where I left and it was the biggest mistake I made. Sure, I was frustrated, sure I was mad, sure I was upset, sure I was pissed but 20/20 is hindsight. When communication breaks down, it is a mess. My advice is to try to work things out. Sometimes, you gotta leave the issues alone, just in order to deal with them in the long run. No matter how much they are pissing you off, you can do one or two things. 1. continue to be upset and aggravate the person. 2. take a timeout from the madness and try to enjoy the simplicity of a person's company without bringing up the reasons you are angry or sad. A lot of times people forget that dating (the courtship) is what makes the marriage. You have to do those same things in order to keep the relationship thriving. Many people are married and unhappy but usually its because people get bored, people get relaxed, people dont pour into each other like they originally do when they get together. One other thing, the grass on the other side may be greener but most of the times, its just because you forget to water your own grass.