He loves me? NOT!

[AfroIdealist]

Run for hills, girl. He's toxic. A person that really loves you makes it easy for you to love yourself. If you have to recount everything you did in the relationship, everything you feel you did wrong, all the things he does to make you feel unworthy, than the guy is a creep and poison to your soul. Trust me I learned this in my recent teens.

[matrixone05]

Originally Posted by Reesie

Maybe married. Just because his family doesn't know of a wife, doesn't mean one doesn't exist. Some people keep marriage a secret for whatever reason.

I am the only wife I and his family knew about when I married him. Found out I am wife #3 and he still won't admit it. I found out about the first one on my own, a Private Investigator told me about the other one. And once again, I knew him 20 years before I married him.

If you were comfortable with this situation, you wouldn't have asked for opinions. You know in your heart what you should do.

[lovendesire]

I do. Doesn't make it easy. Doesn't mean its not still stuff on my mind about the situation. You know how it is. Just talking myself through it. I appreciate you.

[matrixone05]

It's not easy now, and it won't be easy later. Stuff on your mind will be there for a while and eventually you will notice that its there less and less. Keep talking yourself through it, you'll be ok. I talked a lot with God, my support system has been awesome, I knew I was loved by my family and friends but they showed up in ways I can't even begin to thank them for.

BTW, India Arie's latest CD is relative. I will keep you in prayer. You are so much stronger than you know.

[Diva810]

It is definitely time to let him go and make it stick. Sometimes, you have to make the decision to end it yourself and not wait for the man to decide what happens from there. If he really wanted you, there is nothing that can keep him from you. He's playing. Let him play with someone else. Work on you and do not let him take up any more of your time. There's no way it should be this hard for you two to be together unless someone doesn't want it.

[ardamus]

Originally Posted by lovendesire

Hello Again:

I just wanted to lend insight to another dimension in the relationship I told you about in the initial post. The thing is that this man is wonderful in many, many ways. I think that it is always important to paint a full picture if your going to tell the story. So I return here with the brush. When I presented my first case I didn't make it clear why perhaps this relationship has gone on the way it has for so long. The reason is quite frankly that he has turned out to be one of the best friends I ever had. I know without a doubt that I can count on him and more importantly he always let me know that. I can honestly say that he has gone out of his way for me on many ocassions and in many ways so I have regrets (even though we both remain unknown) about painting him in a negative light. I can't remember a thing that I have tried to do since I have known him that he didn't support me in. And alas, this is why I love him so and crave a deeper relationship with him.

The problem is that he does love me but he is sure that what he doesn't want to do is hurt me. He has never intentionally mislead me. And while the terms of our relationship have often been vague he's been relatively clear about the possibilities of our relationship, and us being "together" has never really been an option that he presented. I have never understood this and don't profess to now. However, when you look at this situation in terms of a friendship- he has been a good friend. He has done much more for me than many of my other good friends. In fact my perspective and much of what I strive to accomplish is because of conversations we have had. He is great. I just wanted more than he could give and I don't think that I can blame him for that (as much as I would like to.)

So yes it has been four years but it has been four years of truth and denial. Four long years of laughter and disappointment. As a woman needing more from a man yes I have wasted my time. As a woman needing a friend it has been time well spent. Overall I guess its been worth it but the heart wants what the heart wants. I have felt loved by this man and that is why its been hell to let the romantic possibilities go and working/seeing him everyday doesn't help. I let him in. He didn't ask me to. Do you have a choice when it comes to love? In this case I don't think I did and I really could have used one.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that things turned out like they did. I did the similiar thing and she met someone else. I was an idiot for leading her on the way I did. But at the same time, I had to realize in wasn't in God's plans for me to be with her. Just the rules iof the universe. I see it like this: just when we think we've found that person we're looking for, situations occur and things happen. You move on and you meet someone else. And each time, you can only learn from the the past and make things better for yyourself and your current lover. In any case, you have my blessings.

[DymondGurl]

I was sort of going through the samething like this but he was my man. But the indicisivness drove me crazy. He wanted to be a better man and change his life for the better but he kept saying he didn't know how. So I suffered like your suffering but honestly as long as you allow him to be your 9-5 man he will be. Change starts with you so move on and find someone better or stay around and keep taking his bullish. You said he told you he didn't want to hurt you but in all honesty if he doesn't want to he won't it's that simple. No use in saying i don't want to try because im scared. Tell him to man up and give it a try. Your only mistake is not trying something because of your fear of failure.