What would you do? Men, please give me your opinion.

[caramelsunshine]

My man and I have been together now for a year and have lived together about the same amount time. This is all new to me and we have had to make some adjustments which weren't easy. I'm the type of person that when I have been involved with someone, I usually don't keep in touch with ex's at all. He is still friends with some of the women he's been involved with and that bothers me because I don't do it. He says to me that they are just friends and that they know that I'm his woman. It still bothers me. I know that I'm insecure about myself and I'm trying to work on it. I know that there are times when "men will be men" and want to spend time with their "boys" but how much time is acceptable when you have a woman. I feel like it's ok sometimes but there have been times when I feel that he's cheating and it scares me. I pride myself on being the most faithful woman that could ever walk the face of this earth because when I'm with you, that's it, I don't another man. Lately we have been argueing about him always being gone and leaving me at home alone. He tells me that I don't have to stay in the house and to go out with my friends. I've tried but I do manage to come home at a reasonable hour. He on the other hand, doesn't show up until 2:30-4:30am!! He says that he's at the bar having beers with his "boys"...yeah, ok. There's nothing open at those hours but legs!!! He says that I have to trust him but 3-4 times a week? I don't know about that.
When he comes home, I'm upset and he never wants to tell me where he's been.
Last night, he was out again. A woman called the house around 12 midnight looking for him. I told her that he wasn't here, I asked her if she called his cell phone, she said yes. He will not allow his female friends to call the house because I don't want them to. I asked if she wanted to leave a message, she asked if I was who I was, I said yes. She then said to tell him not to call me no more. I asked why, I thought you all were friends, she said yes but to tell him not to call her. NOW...It seems to me that she thinks that they are more than friends and so do I. I asked him about it and the conversation, he said that I don't know why she would call the house. I wasn't concerned about that, I was concerned about the "friendship".

I've been through this more times than I care to remember with other men and I just want my own man who doesnt have to have his ego stroked by having female friends. I know that I have trust and self-esteem issues and I'm trying to work on them but I feel I can't get anywhere like this.

I really would appreciate an opinion from the "Afros" and please be honest.

[poeticasylum1]

Well...

First of all dont apologize for your issues of concern. Can you be over concerned at times no doubt. However, I dont think that is the case. Now being a man myself, there are times when you need a night with the fellas. It just keeps you balanced. You need to be able to relax and bounce things off of each other even in laughter or pain. Now, here is the deal. Some guys go clubbing what ever reason. People's maturity level differ from individual to individual. If you are with someone, there is really know reason for it. Now some people cant stay out of the clubs. It doesn't matter if they have someone home. In my two cent opinion, that's someone who really isn't ready for commitment. People want their cake and eat it too. Thats just the selfishness of some people. Playing house means just that, "playing" house. Unless, people are married in my opinion they should not live together. Simply because that is a level of responsibility that takes effort, understanding, wisdom, knowledge and patience. Truth is many people dont really count the cost. Some people however can deal with the looseness of cohabitation. If Im married to you,then what I do affects you and vice versa. When you are living together it creates an attitude of well I dig you enough to come home to you everynight, but its not that serious enough for me to engage you in a "bonding" or covenant before God and man. You are upset because you really want a level of that whereas your significant other may really not be thinking that way. People move in together because its fun and rosy but life and its struggles is not. If your mate is coming home at those early hours then you need to check out whether or not he is really into you. People do stuff mainly out of convience. I dont know the young man but you do. You know his habits, mannerisms and sometimes those are the things that keep people at a distance. He also knows yours. As far as being insecure goes, you cant help but be that way because of his habits. Yeah, fellas want to chill with they homies but ultimately you should be the focus of all his attention. He is with you. Remember also you are living together, you are not dating. If you were dating then having friends really wouldnt be a problem. Now that you are locked down so to speak, you are warring with the desire to be exclusive as opposed to him wanting something else. Now females calling the house is a straight up violation. No excuses whatsoever. You can accept that if you want but he has to remember you are there because you love him and him only. It seems to me he is blowing you off because he knows that if you did that to him, then well he would blow his stack. I wont go as far as to say he is cheating, but he definitely fishing. I have female friends and Im married but I will say this, they know the rules. There are unspoken boundaries people must abide by. Calling your man at midnight for whatever reason is flat out stupid. If its not his sister or his mama or maybe a daughter, no one has reason to call your house at that time of the night. You guys need to talk and be straight up with each other because it will only get worse if you let it go. When you are upset, let him know it. Only the squeeky wheel gets the oil. Make sure you are in this for the long haul, if you are just spinning your wheels with no idea where you guys are going then, it will not be long before someone packs their stuff and move. You gotta think deeply about this, otherwise you will be another sister crying about a relationship that you dont know where you stand. If your mate's actions are contrary then they are what they are. Since you have some time invested in the relationship see if you can come to an understanding, other than that shake the spot, cut your losses and keep your peace of mind. Im sorry if I have rambled a bit but I think each point is important for you to consider. You may need the space to clearly think about what you are doing, because many people just do stuff and then let stuff happen to them. They dont sign up for the drama but when things happen you gotta be ready to deal with the circumstances and consequences.

[sephari]

i know you're not going to take my advice but i thought i would give it a try anyway. maybe he is cheating, maybe he ain't either way you are insecure in the relationship and you probably need to take a step back, 'cause this isn't a good relationship for you if you can't trust him.

[caramelsunshine]

Thank you so much"poetic" for your candid response. I want know for my self that I'm doing the right thing and making a conscious decision about this relationship.

Thank you sephari for your reply. I don't want to believe that he's cheating, I really don't but I do know that I have to work on my self-esteem and insecurity issues.

[LadyNoir]

He is a single man, not a married man, and he is simply living the life of a single man. There are MARRIED men who live and conduct themselves the same way as single men, so why wouldn't a single man, not lawfully married, not do the same? Single men have the right to have as many girlfriends as they chose.

You're ALSO single! And your live-in companion has, in essence, boldly and truthfully told you that you have the same rights as he; and that is, to go out and do whatever you feel like doing.

Oh, by the way, you're not THE most faithful woman to walk the face of this earth. There are many more of us ladies who are faithful. And, I will add, some of our men have a right to proclaim this marvelous statement as well.

[jamesfrmphilly]

move out. get your own place.
work on your issues. get them fixed.
find a man that can agree with your values.

[LadyDivine]

Sister Caramelsunshine,
It is time for you to listen to what your instinct is telling you.
Your inner spirit won't guide you wrong.

You already know what is going on and you already now what you need to do about it.

Sisterfriend....Take your focus off of him and put it on Caramelsunshine and trust what you are feeling.....and do what you gotta do.
Peace and strength be with you!