What am I doing wrong? - AfroChat - African American

SoopremeBeing · January 22nd, 2006, 05:00 AM

I recently moved back into my parent's house after living with my boyfriend since November. Things weren't working out basically. He lost his job before xmas and hasn't worked since. I tried to help him find work, even did his resume, faxed it emailed it. He kept telling me to go back to my moms because he think's i'm too young to understand what he trying to do(im 20 he's 25), and i do know. he wants to get out of his ghetto apartment complex and get a house(yet he will not find work on his own he leaves it up to me). even though we hadn't argued in three weeks(after he kept changing his mind whether he wanted me to stay at his house or not), he still wanted me at my moms.

i try to love him the best i can even thought im trying get a career started and go to school. i support him in everything he does, but last night he said i was a threat to all his plans, because TO HIM i'm all about myself and i have an attitude. I know I have an anger problem and he knows I'm going to classes for it. we grew up different; i was a military brat and he grew up in Vallejo, CA which isn't the best place to be. he always gets upset when i don't handle problems the way he would handle them; I do the best possible way, he calls his way "the underground way." he thinks i'm smart but not when it comes to our relationship. he's always bringing up his ex girlfirend telling me how not to be like her and i am NOTHING like her. When I feel I'm helping him or loving him, HE thinks I'm plotting!!! I feel like crap. I even had my mother work on his resume and he got upset when I told him my mom might want to speak with him personally on his work experience. He was like "I appreciate the help but I wanna do this instead..." And he's always yelling about he's a "grown *** man" and he doesn't need anyone's help. I'm to the point where I'm like "F*** it, I'm not helping you anymore." But I don't want to do that because then he'll think I'm selfish.

He said we are still together, but i called him today and he was real passive. even when i told him i missed him, i didnt even get a "i miss you too" back, when usually he's gushing and texting my phone telling me he misses me and he loves me when i'm at work. His response to me saying i missed him was "Well what do you do when you miss someone? You call them." But when I called he said "I'm trying to catch up on sleep I didn't get." But he's unemployed. i think it's over but he hasnt said it. what should i do, i dont want to ignore then he'll think i dont care but i dont wanna bug him either.

DBlack · January 22nd, 2006, 09:48 AM

You should move on. He's given you plenty of excuses to do so. Seem's like he's going through some things and you are his punching bag in the mean time. You deserve more. If someone told me I was a threat to their plans, I would have been gone then.

Good luck.

sailor wife · January 22nd, 2006, 10:42 AM

WOW. That's not good. I second what Dblack said, it will be extremely hard on you but you need to leave this man out of your life. He's putting you through too much.
One day you'll be able to look back and easily see that he was not good or healthy for you.

charliekilothree · January 22nd, 2006, 10:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SoopremeBeing

I recently moved back into my parent's house after living with my boyfriend since November. Things weren't working out basically. He lost his job before xmas and hasn't worked since. I tried to help him find work, even did his resume, faxed it emailed it. He kept telling me to go back to my moms because he think's i'm too young to understand what he trying to do(im 20 he's 25), and i do know. he wants to get out of his ghetto apartment complex and get a house(yet he will not find work on his own he leaves it up to me). even though we hadn't argued in three weeks(after he kept changing his mind whether he wanted me to stay at his house or not), he still wanted me at my moms.

i try to love him the best i can even thought im trying get a career started and go to school. i support him in everything he does, but last night he said i was a threat to all his plans, because TO HIM i'm all about myself and i have an attitude. I know I have an anger problem and he knows I'm going to classes for it. we grew up different; i was a military brat and he grew up in Vallejo, CA which isn't the best place to be. he always gets upset when i don't handle problems the way he would handle them; I do the best possible way, he calls his way "the underground way." he thinks i'm smart but not when it comes to our relationship. he's always bringing up his ex girlfirend telling me how not to be like her and i am NOTHING like her. When I feel I'm helping him or loving him, HE thinks I'm plotting!!! I feel like crap. I even had my mother work on his resume and he got upset when I told him my mom might want to speak with him personally on his work experience. He was like "I appreciate the help but I wanna do this instead..." And he's always yelling about he's a "grown *** man" and he doesn't need anyone's help. I'm to the point where I'm like "F*** it, I'm not helping you anymore." But I don't want to do that because then he'll think I'm selfish.

He said we are still together, but i called him today and he was real passive. even when i told him i missed him, i didnt even get a "i miss you too" back, when usually he's gushing and texting my phone telling me he misses me and he loves me when i'm at work. His response to me saying i missed him was "Well what do you do when you miss someone? You call them." But when I called he said "I'm trying to catch up on sleep I didn't get." But he's unemployed. i think it's over but he hasnt said it. what should i do, i dont want to ignore then he'll think i dont care but i dont wanna bug him either.

If you are doing anything wrong it's blaming yourself for his faults. He seems to be uncertain of what he really wants and you are being played like a yo-yo IMHO. Since you are staying with your parents now, try letting it go so you don't get dragged down emotionally trying to take care of a "grown *** man." Good luck.

soulbrotha · January 22nd, 2006, 11:51 AM

In the words of Teddy Pendegrass, "I think you better let it go...."

Corals · January 22nd, 2006, 12:52 PM

I agree with the others. I'll leave him be. He knows what he wants but it doesn't seem to include you. As hard as it is, you should just step aside and let him carry on the way he is carrying on without you.

SoopremeBeing · January 22nd, 2006, 02:43 PM

Thanks you guys.

I do think he is wise of trying to better his life. I try to support every decision he makes as well as give him honest feedback whether it be good or bad. I try to tell him how to make employers see past him being Black, like dressing better for interviews; my mom has never met him and jumped on working on his resume. I wish he could see that just because people aren't helping him the way he wants to be helped doesn't mean we aren't helping him with everything we got. I honestly don't know how to help him without him thinking I'm against his wishes or I'm "plotting." He tells me I should be Superwoman, meaning I should be able to take my life and career to the next level as well as his. He leaves his life in God's hands, but I tell him you can't leave everything up to God. I tell him you have to prove to God that you deserve His help by going out there and taking action. God will bless him if he has done everything he can to make his life better and still doesn't achieve everything. I don't think God will bless him with a house and a better good paying job when he's playing on the PlayStation all day.

soulbrotha · January 22nd, 2006, 03:26 PM

Soopreme, God works in mysterious ways. Just maybe it is time for you to put all the effort you put into him into yourself. This experience and the extra attention to yourself can only make you a better person. Then, one day you will find that person that does not turn their back to you when things are not going well. BUT FOR NOW FOCUS ON YOURSELF AND REACHING YOUR GOALS.

charliekilothree · January 22nd, 2006, 04:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SoopremeBeing

Thanks you guys.

I do think he is wise of trying to better his life. I try to support every decision he makes as well as give him honest feedback whether it be good or bad. I try to tell him how to make employers see past him being Black, like dressing better for interviews; my mom has never met him and jumped on working on his resume. I wish he could see that just because people aren't helping him the way he wants to be helped doesn't mean we aren't helping him with everything we got. I honestly don't know how to help him without him thinking I'm against his wishes or I'm "plotting." He tells me I should be Superwoman, meaning I should be able to take my life and career to the next level as well as his. He leaves his life in God's hands, but I tell him you can't leave everything up to God. I tell him you have to prove to God that you deserve His help by going out there and taking action. God will bless him if he has done everything he can to make his life better and still doesn't achieve everything. I don't think God will bless him with a house and a better good paying job when he's playing on the PlayStation all day.

Like soulbrotha said, don't sqaunder your energy and efforts on him. It's not just about him anymore. You have done a great deal on his behalf and he does not appreciate it so please step back for a moment. I can tell that you feel strongly for him but you can't make him feel the same way for you.

MadameX · January 22nd, 2006, 05:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by soulbrotha

Soopreme, God works in mysterious ways. Just maybe it is time for you to put all the effort you put into him into yourself. This experience and the extra attention to yourself can only make you a better person. Then, one day you will find that person that does not turn their back to you when things are not going well.

Agreed. Being involved with someone who is an emotional drain is not healthy and you can't let him break your spirit or you will lose your self in the process. As Soulbrotha said, you should take this as a learning experience b/c God could be preparing you for a man who is real and won't take your love for granted.