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Survival guide for avoiding embarrassment
Ran across this online and thought it was funny!
HOW TO POOP AT WORK!!!
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for having a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING : When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been! expe lled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
FLY BY : This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for o ther p oopers. If there are others in the bathroom, Leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK : When for! cing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone h as left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH : The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom.This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
WALK OF SHAME : Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER : This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK ( P.F.N) : A group of co-workers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.
SAFE HAVENS : A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
CAMO-COUGH : A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom
that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON.
WATERMELON : A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
UNCLE TODD : An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.
Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an inevitable part of life.
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You can't enjoy where you're going, if you deny where you've been!
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