Ex husband Issues - AfroChat - African American

therealisticlady · September 22nd, 2005, 09:24 PM

I need some advice black people.
My exhusband popped up after 2 years and called the girls right after Katrina. Now mind you during these last 2 years he has not returned one single phone call that they made. As a matter of fact, the last conversation we had was regarding the fact that he felt humiliated because he had to pick his kids up from Kmart around the corner. I let him have it because he had no clue what humiliation was. I had to explain to him how humiliated I was selling everything we(the princesses and I) had and moving the princesses and I out of state just to have roof over our heads. I was subjected to alot of emotional abuse by the person that we stayed with and am very blessed to be on my own again. He has taken the kids out every weekend since. The kids enjoy thier time with him and I have no problem with my kids spending time with him despite the fact that he is currently not paying any child support. This leaves me to believe that I will be going back to court again soon so that he can modify the child support he does not pay. As most know, child support is also based on the amount of time he spends with his kids. Now if we do go to court this will be the second time he has been allowed to modify what he does not pay. I dont understand it but am willing to go along with what ever the law says. We do have a visitation order but he has never, yes never, complied with it. I have until this point not at all had a problem with all of this. I do what I have to do to take care of the princesses.

Now the problem is that because he calls to get the kids at any given time on the weekend I am missing out on money. I am an independant contractor that works from home but I dont get paid if I dont work like most self employed people. I do work on the weekends based upon finacial need and because business had been a lil slow the last month or two, there has been a need. His last minute calls have caused me to not schedule work hours due to not knowing if I will be able to work those hours. If he calls I have to take the princesses to the meeting spot. I definately need to have a talk to him but I dont want to run him away from spending time wth his kids again. I know this sounds a little silly but being a woman that grew up without a dad because he died, I know how important a father is in their life. On the other hand I know how important my ability to be able to provide for my princesses is. How would you approach this situation?

Men I would love your take on this because I need to see it from his side also. Ladies let me have it. LOL

lizaa · September 22nd, 2005, 10:03 PM

HI TRL ~~happy to see you around here at last !!

ON THE SEROUS TIP--in my personal opinion I feel it's probaly best to arrange a SIT DOWN meeting with him alone..just you and him.. your wording is important here at this meeting so make sure you go into the meeting with a good attitude and clear head ..make your statements regarding your time is precious and to arrange a timed agreement for him to pick up the girls [ even though he has one already ] things are important for you and he to have good communications for the sake of the kids..and just try to follow thru DO NOT bring up past things/ EXPERIENCES that were bad..if anything you could remind him of how beautiful and bright the girls are and becoming..just some of my pointers..any one else ?

robbboy2003 · September 23rd, 2005, 12:56 AM

First,my best wishes go out to you,and the children. It's just my take,but my take is this. I had no father,and I think i'm okay. Yes,It is better,if you have one,but if he's not responsible,or lies to the kids,who needs that person certainly not the kids.

I would certainly go after him to pay his responsibilty. You didn't make these children alone. Maybe this tired person has something to offer the kids right now,but they will soon get tired of him dogging their mom! I sure would!

God bless you!

Samoon · September 23rd, 2005, 02:06 AM

I agree with Lizaa in that, "as parents, you two need to have an honest, open dialogue about your children" e.g. what does it reasonably cost Mom during the time the children are with her and what does it reasonably cost Dad during the time the children are with him? The sum of these two figures represents the needs of the children and can be fairly apportioned between Mom and Dad. Good luck to all of you.

goodcookinmama · September 23rd, 2005, 03:20 AM

girl just let him know that he can not infrenge on your time like this
cause the work that you do takes up the slack that he left you holding
that ought to do it real quick

therealisticlady · September 23rd, 2005, 11:32 AM

Thanks for the responses people. Lizaa and Samoon you are right we do need to talk face to face but you are forgetting what type of person her is. Again no where to be found for 2 whole long years so at this point I really dont care what his feelings are the only feelings I care about are those of my princesses. Goodcookingmomma you kept it short and straight to the point. Robboy you are so right if we have made it without him all this time I am sure it wont make a difference to me but it will to the girls. I thought about this long and hard last night and given his female dispoition (trying to keep it clean because what I really think of him is a B.....A..N......yall fill in the blanks) I am going to have to keep it straight and to the point not letting my feelings get involved but also let him know how serious it is when his plans take away from my ability to profide and since he is not contributing to the provisions in this household he knows what he can do.....He can either sit down with me and make out a visitation plan and stick to it or keep it moving like he has done all this time. I am already hearing the echos in his voice as to what no one can make him do. Lawd knows I dont want to hear his b*%$#'n but I will have to stay strong and stick to my guns here.

therealisticlady · September 24th, 2005, 01:56 PM

^^^^ Very true BV. FYI the child support is not at all an issue. After all I have been doing this by myself for a while now. The real issue to me is his motives. I did speak to the princesses last night and tell them that I had to talk to him about setting a more solid schedule of visitation and that he might decide not to see them again. They all agreed that while they would miss him, it would not be that big of a deal. He has just provided them with some extra activities. Again this weekend he has changed plans. He told the kids that he would pick them up on Saturday and then when I told them to ask him when, he changed it to Sunday. Therefore leaving me again to rearrange my schedule. This is my biggest issue. He has to be able to commit to a time range so that he is not interrupting my plans with my family. Because I have four children I like to plan things in advance and when a plan is putt off it is really hard to rearrange especially when we are talking work that must be scheduled in advanced and cannot be cancelled with less that 24 hour notice.

bluesky · September 24th, 2005, 09:19 PM

Lizza and DBlack--Kudos on the advice for trying to make a situation remain and stay calm.

THR--I also think that if you already have your plans there is nothing wrong with saying to your ex hubby "I'm thankful that you have become involved in our daughter's lives, however, due to my job scheduling, I work these hours (tell him your hours) which are mandatory to provide for our family. If you don't inform me of your changes or notify in advance, unfortunately, you'll have to reschedule to meet with the girls the following weekend because I have work and already made arrangements that can't be broken upon last minute requests. Do you have any suggestions in how we can make arrangements that benefit both you and I to where I don't have to miss work and you can still see our daughters?

For me--When you use "our" it seems as you want him to be apart of the team and become a team player and come to a solution.