Feeling Used?

[SistahSpeak]

My position in my family is that of the "helper". I connect the dots of the family, bring each other together, counsel folks, give to folks when they don't have, freely and willingly. I've accepted this role, and have embraced it. I find myself deeply worried about other peoples position if I'm not in a place to help them. If they need a dollar, I give them the last of what I have. In the past, I even ran up credit cards so folk wouldn't go without... I want them to live better lives, and so by any means necessary, I work to give them that. Sometimes at my own expense.

Every now and then, peoples actions, and statements, leave me feeling used, taken advantage of, and unappreciated.

How far is too far, when giving to your family, whether emotionally, financially, etc? I've never felt that anything was too far... but stepping outside, and analyzing the roles of people, and what's going on--I'm becoming concerned. And I don't feel right--I feel that whatever's creeping in is selfishness... but I have never had such a trait, so then I wonder if I am being used. ?

Is there a line to draw with family? I love them, and no matter what I'm there for them and I don't want that to change!

[Corals]

Yes, there is a line you have to draw and that is when you begin to feel drained and used. It is good when we help our families, but families can sometimes take advantage of a given situation.

I believe in helping those who help themselves in whatever way possible. If they is no action from the other party then that's where I'll pull back, because they will begin to become too dependent on you and take things for granted.

If you honestly feel that you are being used, step back for a while and see how they cope. Nine out of ten times that would spring them into action.

It is good that you have been doing so much to help, but you have to put things into persepctive.

[saraphen]

Originally Posted by SistahSpeak

Is there a line to draw with family? I love them, and no matter what I'm there for them and I don't want that to change!

I draw the line when they keep coming back with the same problem. I have to say, "Haven't you figured out that you can't buy (luxury or entertainment item) when you haven't paid your bills?" Or when they do pull themselves out and can't help another family member in need, then I have to write them off completely. I'm not very forgiving, and I know I need to work on that.

[Samoon]

I agree with Corals. You have to put your emotions to the side and allow your rationale to kick in. My rule of this for all? If the BEHAVIOR is repetitive and that individual does not make a move to bring about the change(s) that they are aware of in their life? That is in of itself negative? You have to voice your concern about it and stand firm that you cannot help someone that refuses to help self.

[SistahSpeak]

Originally Posted by Corals

If you honestly feel that you are being used, step back for a while and see how they cope. Nine out of ten times that would spring them into action.

It is good that you have been doing so much to help, but you have to put things into persepctive.

I hear you Corals... you offered really good advice... I have tried pulling back in the past, and then I'm labled selfish, inconsiderate, etc. Girl, I have been through so much with family, this ONE sister in particular, that it has affected every aspect of my life. But I have identified the problem, and will consciously make an effort to correct it. Thanks Corals.

Originally Posted by saraphen

Or when they do pull themselves out and can't help another family member in need, then I have to write them off completely. I'm not very forgiving, and I know I need to work on that.

GIRL DID YOU READ MY MIND???

This is what I am expereincing with my older sister. I'm not trying to put all her business out in the street, but, well, I'll just say this is how she is... I have helped her household because my husband and I have been blessed enough to help/give/share. A couple of months ago, when my husband and I were facing some financial issues, there wasn't a word. Not that I wouldve even accepted money, but there was no intent. That hurt! And she's done this with our other sisters, who I try to support because they live on their own, and are in college... one even has a baby!

I came to the realization last night, that my older sister, while I love her with all my heart, and while I would give her a kidney, is not a person that I would choose to have in my life as a friend... that was a scary realization because we were brought up so close!! So I have to understand and accept who she is, and that she may never change. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW SHE ACTS, BUT I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW I RESPOND!

[quote=Samoon]I agree with Corals. You have to put your emotions to the side and allow your rationale to kick in. QUOTE]
You're right Sistah Samoon... and when I did, you know I felt guilt!? I felt guilty, and I actually began to feel like maybe I was being selfish... I had to stop and really take a look at what was happening and understand my position... that I wasn't being selfish, but simply asking for some respect from people who I love.



Girls, this won't go away overnight, I'm sure. But I pray I'm stepping in the right direction! Thanks so much for reaching out and offering feedback... that means a lot!

[SistahSpeak]

Originally Posted by blackvoter

Don't change who are you are and remember your reward awaits when the King returns. If you are concerned about being used by certain members then require that they work for whatever it is they want from you. If say someone needs a ten dollars and your grass needs cutting then if they really "need" the ten dollars then they should be glad for the opportunity to cut your grass, clean your gutters, take out your trash, whatever you need them to do. Then they are not accepting a handout but earning the "pay" and you are not feeling used as you got a return on your funds. This is just a general example but you are smart so use your God given wisdom case by case. We should give, but God don't mean for us to be a door mat.

I hear you BV, and I receive your point. I mean, its hard because I don't want my family to work for what I give them. Never have, and I don;t feel that way now. To be honest I probably wouldn't even feel comfortable asking something like that.

I guess I'm just moanin' and groaning... I want to feel appreciated, not taken for granted. But BV, you said it best when you reminded me that reward awaits when Our King Returns! And on that note, I'll let it be.

Thanks BV! You're good people.

S

[goodcookinmama]

sisterspeak family wiil do that to you fasret then you can blink and it hurts like hell you be there for themand whenyou are in need they know it and dont even try to offer any type of help at all they are selfish for one we do to much for theise family members and they take it for granted i went throuhgbtne same with some family members and i put a stop to it when i saw that the feeling was not mutchal
some are takers and thoes are the one that i dont brother with any i let them do their own thing and some of themhave the nerve to ask me why i dont now help out as musc as i used to and i tell um cause when i needed some one where were you sistahspeak family will ues till you want to scream we cant help or save every one

[therealisticlady]

I have to agree with BV. Dont stop giving because you will only hurt yourself in the long run. I completely understand also how you feel guilty when you dont help. I am the oldest of two and my sister is totally clueless about life and how it works. I have done more and more to help her out but she knows that she has to listen to my words of advice. As I have gotten older, I have realized that she does not want to listen to my advice but also does not plan on following any of it. Some people will never learn but dont let that stop the blessings that are in store for you. God sees what is in your heart and as long as you give from there and not your pocket you will be alright in the end sistah. Oh and by the way, I do appreciate you and all you do for your family for you are a example to us all.

[SistahSpeak]

Wow therealisticlady... that was so very encouraging. Thank you so much for those words, and reaching out to reach me where I am... they won't be soon forgotton.

Thank you AC fam... I appreciate each of you so much!

[therealisticlady]

Originally Posted by SistahSpeak

Wow therealisticlady... that was so very encouraging. Thank you so much for those words, and reaching out to reach me where I am... they won't be soon forgotton.

Thank you AC fam... I appreciate each of you so much!

No problem SS I am glad I could help. :)