Discipling our Children - AfroChat - African American

DBlack · November 29th, 2004, 01:17 AM

I am a new parent of 14 months. And I certainly have my viewpoints on how I intend to raise my kids. But i want to hear the communities opinons on this issue.

I believe in spankin dat tail, in some situations. Because children don't learn to reason until a much later age, sometimes the most primitive of punishment is the most effect method of coersion.

I also believe in extreme deprivation strategies. In other words, I incrementally take everything away from them shy of what is need for basic survival. T.V, phone, company visits, xbox, internet, stereo, favorite clothes, favorite food, get my driff? This teaches kids that nothing in life is guaranteed, and that mom and dad is only responsible for loving you unconditionally and providing for you.

And lastly, I believe in the power of positive reinforcement. Rewarding our kids when they make the really hard, but right choices. I don't want my girl growing up to be like dad, but to be much better than Dad ever was.

So what do you think? What are your strategies.

Blak · November 29th, 2004, 01:27 AM

I beleive black folks ignore 95% of the parenting toolbox and focus on physical punishment. That is but one tool. When I am a parent, I would use it if I had to....but no objects and no closed fists and no bruises and scars. any woman who gets with me will know early on what she will NOT do to my child...she takes any object to my child and I'll take it to her much worse.

As for the other tools....grounding, taking away priveledges, extra chores, extra homework etc....but most importantly, talking to kids early before they reach the point of doing something wrong. Teach them the right way to act and most of the time they will. Alot of black parents enjoy the wait and see what I do game. They will talk with each other about what they would do if their kid acted up a certian way...but aint got time to talk to the kid....its as if they want to punish.

Anyways, I'll stop before someone asks the "do you got kids" thing...as if everything they know comes only from their own parenting experience and they dont see other families situations with their eyes (like I do).

urfan2c · November 29th, 2004, 01:53 AM

I believe in spankings. I also believe in communicating and punishment. I also believe in rewards. I would rather spank my child and they learn from me than have some police officer beat them in the street. I think a healthy balance is the best way to go.

Chelbe · November 29th, 2004, 02:33 AM

I believe in spanking as a last resort, in certain situations. No beating and no slapping in the face (I just feel that is disrespect in a way), but I have no kids, therefore not much input.
BUT I know this, my little neice needs some discipling. She will cuss you out, your momma out and your momma momma out. And all her mother says is, "you see how she acts","you see how she treats me"? She doesn't disciple her at all.

elmb · November 29th, 2004, 02:57 AM

I applaud you all. I say that I am the expert here because I have the oldest child. My oldest is 11 and male. Two whammys. Yes, I do spank when necessary. Necessary to me is out and out lying, me talking and saying something more than a few times, Him walking away and saying something smart but I was raised by a social worker, I understand certain things. Walk away and mouth something, your peroggative, say it loud enough that I hear it from another room, you wanted me to hear it.

I have no choice but to talk, even when I am not in a talking mood. Yes, there are days when I am dealing with my own issues and the last thing I want to do is deal with someone else's. My son is smart, too smart people say. We talk and if the same thing happens again later, we talk again with a punishment, and if it happens again, then what? Example, my son took a dollar from my dresser because he didn't want to ask knowing that he only had a 50% chance of getting it and didn't want to risk the odds. What do you say, what do you do? Stealing is stealing point blank. I could of busted him up but then what? So we talked and talked and prayed that it wont happen again.

All I can say is black, you have such a responsibility with that little girl because you are her lifeline to the man that she chooses 15-20 years from now. For those who don't have kids, yes your opinions matter. Try to choose a mate that is willing to go the long haul with you so that prayerfully your children one day will have a 2 parent household. VERY IMPORTANT.

There is no book. I have learned to use the power of the elders and I ask questions, suggestions, talk to my husband and come up with our own answers. One day at a time. Bottom line is, I wont give up and I will do everything in my power to assist both my boys in being productive men of God that they are rightfully so.

You also must know that the day they enter this world, yours changes, bottom line. What I wont do, is put them the center of my world because they are made to grow and go and my husband and I will be looking at eachother like we are crazy. :tongue:

Blak · November 29th, 2004, 12:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chelbe

I believe in spanking as a last resort, in certain situations. No beating and no slapping in the face (I just feel that is disrespect in a way), but I have no kids, therefore not much input.
BUT I know this, my little neice needs some discipling. She will cuss you out, your momma out and your momma momma out. And all her mother says is, "you see how she acts","you see how she treats me"? She doesn't disciple her at all.

It is sad that such a simple task as finding balance is so damn hard....but I bet your neices mother got the hell beten outta her growing up.....that so often seems to lead the parent to avoid turning into what their own parents were at all costs....one extreme breeds another. In other cases, the parents are just neglectfull.

BTW, your opinion means as much as anyone elses......alot of times black people just want to respect views that agree with them. I have seen black people lash out at non parents who are against beating with the claim you gotta be a parent to understand....but then they take th opinion of a childless person who supports beating as a good one.....also I have seen them turn around and talk bad about black GRAND PARENTS who decided their own children should change the game and use methods other than beating.....it is everything to do with following the leader. Speak your piece becuase you have the same eyes they do....if they could not observe the way you do, they would only know about thier household situation and that aint enough to speak on parenting in general....you gotta bring in other info and other peoples experiences. Also, we were all children once and can analyze what happend with us, syblings, freinds, and have knowledge of our parents lives too.

Blak

originata · November 29th, 2004, 01:20 PM

There's nothing wrong with spanking kids when its appropriate. Some people go overboard and do so just because they are in a bad mood and situations like those is when we really see the negative effects of spanking. I also believe it should be the last resort but will be in the arsenal when I have kids.
Teaching children how to think is the most effective tool I think.

PhilMoSlim · November 29th, 2004, 01:24 PM

Uh, I disagree with you there blak, Experience does matter. I like to hear everybody's opinion, but it's the ones with the most experience that SHOULD have the most weight. That's just common sense.

If you wanted to fly a plane, would you take advice from a guy with 2 years flying planes, or a guy that slept at a Holiday Inn last night.

You just a rookie in this subject, like me. So face it, it's all good.

ohhtobeme · November 29th, 2004, 01:28 PM

Set limits and be prepared to deliver consequences for violating them. Be consistent in drawing the same line for the same behavior.Offer options for unacceptable behavior. When setting limits, help the child come up with alternate choices of things they can do or have. This helps the child develop problem-solving skills and indicates that you have confidence in the child.

Validate the child’s feelings. Show that you understand and accept the child’s feelings and needs. Do not simply say “No, you can’t” but rather “ I know you want to go play but, our rule is homework first.”

Spanking. When children are disruptive and after three warnings. When the child is younger( 16 mths) I would spank them on their hand at first but if they are still not obeying I will spank their "bare" behind and also it is important to explain why.

Chelbe · November 29th, 2004, 02:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blak

It is sad that such a simple task as finding balance is so damn hard....but I bet your neices mother got the hell beten outta her growing up.....that so often seems to lead the parent to avoid turning into what their own parents were at all costs....one extreme breeds another. In other cases, the parents are just neglectfull.

BTW, your opinion means as much as anyone elses......alot of times black people just want to respect views that agree with them. I have seen black people lash out at non parents who are against beating with the claim you gotta be a parent to understand....but then they take th opinion of a childless person who supports beating as a good one.....also I have seen them turn around and talk bad about black GRAND PARENTS who decided their own children should change the game and use methods other than beating.....it is everything to do with following the leader. Speak your piece becuase you have the same eyes they do....if they could not observe the way you do, they would only know about thier household situation and that aint enough to speak on parenting in general....you gotta bring in other info and other peoples experiences. Also, we were all children once and can analyze what happend with us, syblings, freinds, and have knowledge of our parents lives too.

Blak

Thanks blak and btw.. My sister was beat as a child for any and every little thing and she has told me, that is why she doesn't lay a hand on her daughter. I do agree that there has to be some kind of balance there though.