Children Of Divorce -FYI

[ohhtobeme]

My parents divorced when I was younger and it has a great impact on my life. I just wanted to share some information and thoughts.

Most of the time children are the innocent casualties of a marriage gone amiss. Many young people react to the shock of divorce with anger and uneasiness. They may experience shame, guilt, fear of abandonment, fear of not knowing what is ahead for them, ambivalent feelings about their parents divorcing, and even ambivalent feelings of love and resentment toward their parents. Children of divorce feel that the two most important people in their lives- their father and mother, have disregarded their sense of trust.Young people are usually not prepared for the emotional, physical, and legal work that divorce proceedings entail. They need heartfelt support and a predictable routine in their life activities during this time of disturbance and uncertainty. Adult children of divorce are four times more likely to divorce than young persons from families that have stayed together. Daughters whose parents divorced and remarried face two times the risk of divorce as compared with those living with both parents. Studies have shown that whether the divorce took place early or late in the daughter’s life, her chances for divorce accelerated. This is true of women more than men.


If you are more interested this is a book I recommend Beal and Hochman, Adult Children of Divorce.

[DBlack]

My parents got divorced before I reached double digits in age. And as a grown man, I fully understand how that effected me growing up. As a kid, I understood it from a more polarizing and emotional perspective centered around the fact that we were not a family.

That being said, It makes me appreciate the value of family and commitment and how much it means for my child to have loving parents that love her collectively.

I am also very unsympathetic to deadbeat parents that are grossly irresponsible and or harmful to thier kids. And sadly, blacks still embrace and endorse a culture of behaviors are venom to marriage, commitment and family.

[sumayyah]

I am divorced. My son just turned 1 a couple of months ago. I'm sure that he's a little confused on why he sees one parent or the other, but never at the same time. My ex and I are trying to keep a civil, if not friendly, relationship. Honestly, there aren't too many bad feelings between us; we just get along much better when we don't live together, and are not in a romantic relationship. My ex takes a very active role in our son'slife, which I'm very greatful for. But perhaps it is better for us to get along and be apart than to be together and argue all the time. We have both agreed to always be open with our son as he grows up. Hopefully, we will be able to teach him that whatever happened between us, it is not his fault.

[Chelbe]

My parents didn't divorce, they were separated for years and then died off. Maybe I am in denial about the whole thing, I do remember certain fights and arguments and I remember how sad I felt, but (today) I try not to let it effect me. However I can't deny that it has made me want to have my own family, keep us whole and cherish every moment I have with them.

[It's Meeee]

Originally Posted by dBlack

And sadly, blacks still embrace and endorse a culture of behaviors are venom to marriage, commitment and family.

Very sad, that's the problem in a nutshell!

[It's Meeee]

Originally Posted by toylin

I am divorced. My son just turned 1 a couple of months ago. I'm sure that he's a little confused on why he sees one parent or the other, but never at the same time. My ex and I are trying to keep a civil, if not friendly, relationship. Honestly, there aren't too many bad feelings between us; we just get along much better when we don't live together, and are not in a romantic relationship. My ex takes a very active role in our son'slife, which I'm very greatful for. But perhaps it is better for us to get along and be apart than to be together and argue all the time. We have both agreed to always be open with our son as he grows up. Hopefully, we will be able to teach him that whatever happened between us, it is not his fault.

Toylin, I think your point of view is the other 'necessary' part of the coin. If you can't get along, it is better to 'divorce' and not stay in an unhappy relationship. Some children of divorce get that. My sister's divorced and my niece (her daughter) is delighted in that she says, 'she doesn't have to hear and see all the fussing and fighting.' The un-happiness left now that they are apart and she still gets to be with both parents according to the 'divorce decree'. He gets every other weekend or something like that. Anyway, my niece says she 'likes it better that way, so showing God can cause children to adjust to whatever environment they are in.

After all, there are millions of children who wish their parents would divorce because of the dysfunction of the home environment. In other words, a lot of damage goes on to the psyche' of children who have been reared in 2 family homes. The best all can hope for is that whatever decision they make the children will adjust to it, and in the long run be alright.

[Blak]

Originally Posted by It's Meeee

Toylin, I think your point of view is the other 'necessary' part of the coin. If you can't get along, it is better to 'divorce' and not stay in a unhappy relationship. Some children of divorce get that. My sister's divorce and my niece (her daughter) is delighted in that she says, 'she doesn't have to hear and see all the fussing and fighting.' The un-happiness left now that they are apart and she still gets to be with both parents according to the 'divorce decree'. He gets every other weekend or something like that. Anyway, my niece says she likes it better so showing God can cause children to adjust to whatever environment they are in.

After all, there are millions of children who wish their parents would divorce because of the dysfunction of the home environment. In other words, a lot of damage goes on to the psyche' of children who have been reared in 2 family homes so the best all can hope for is that whatever decision they make the children will adjust to it, and in the long run be alright.

Speak on it!!! I know what that is all about right there.....the kids can get messed up in a hostyle, or cold environment....their views on relationships and level of trust in the opposite sex gets messed up and that can lead to problems starting...and maintaining relationships later in life.


Blak

[Manchild90047]

I wonder why black men have to bend over backward and let the black woman chose to remain in or not to remain in the black family. Why should she be given all of the responsibility and the black male have to choose another site to locate himself? :mad:

If the black woman wants to seperate, how in da hell can she expect to receive anything near what the man could contribute to the black family since he has to have enough money to live for himself? :mad:

Should not the black woman know her place as a helpmate with the black man as the family leader and actively promote the family interests? Who's gonna be the head of the family? The woman(?) is master of the house at the crack of night when the door is knocked on and she should answer it when the man is in bed and available? What is so different in the night that it cannot be played out in the dead of daylight?

Should a black man let his black Urban woman, who can't balance a check book, who can't maintain or stay on a budget or hasn't been able to demonstrate that she can budget, black Urban woman who does not write out a grocery list with planned meals on it ,who continually buys expensive shoes for the kids, manage a frugal budget? I want to explode!!

Why are some, not all, but some, black Urban women even considering marrying when they have had, no training in the arts of the home, only cleaned up moms house, or never had a pad of their own but tended to crash at the pads of her former boyfriends? Why do so many urban black women figure that they can just wing it? As far as I see it a black woman wants a black man to true in bed but the black Urban woman typically cannot run a house nor serve her man up right at night. Is that fair?

Another thing since I got you listening, why does a urban black woman bring up the fact that she has had so many previous lovers and you do not measure up to them? Is this crazy or not?

If a brother is caring for his family and meeting financial expectations, why does he have to additionally act like a chimp and cater to her unspoken needs like he is a mindreader and forever and unceasingly buying her crap for her to feel he loves her? Isn't that alot like catering to a spoiled child?

This ficklesness with the urban black woman , especially the urban black woman who is not edcuated and who is not comtemplating a higher education or comparing her actions to verifiable standards in the urban underclass is plain old blackmail to the black man. Black women in the Urban city areas, who are you trying to kill other than your family and the black man by your behavior?

Holla

[naskiecenye]

well my parents were really messed up never married and even tho my father was in my life he nor my mother really raised me (drugs and alchohol is a b!tch)but my mom pasted away when i was ten and i think that made a bigger inpact on me than not having my parents together i moved in with my aunt and uncle who were married and should not have been they just did not get along at all and i know for sure my childhood effected me alot so i think i can really relate to what everyone is saying

[sumayyah]

Originally Posted by Manchild90047

I wonder why black men have to bend over backward and let the black woman chose to remain in or not to remain in the black family. Why should she be given all of the responsibility and the black male have to choose another site to locate himself? :mad:

If the black woman wants to seperate, how in da hell can she expect to receive anything near what the man could contribute to the black family since he has to have enough money to live for himself? :mad:

Should not the black woman know her place as a helpmate with the black man as the family leader and actively promote the family interests? Who's gonna be the head of the family? The woman(?) is master of the house at the crack of night when the door is knocked on and she should answer it when the man is in bed and available? What is so different in the night that it cannot be played out in the dead of daylight?

Should a black man let his black Urban woman, who can't balance a check book, who can't maintain or stay on a budget or hasn't been able to demonstrate that she can budget, black Urban woman who does not write out a grocery list with planned meals on it ,who continually buys expensive shoes for the kids, manage a frugal budget? I want to explode!!

Why are some, not all, but some, black Urban women even considering marrying when they have had, no training in the arts of the home, only cleaned up moms house, or never had a pad of their own but tended to crash at the pads of her former boyfriends? Why do so many urban black women figure that they can just wing it? As far as I see it a black woman wants a black man to true in bed but the black Urban woman typically cannot run a house nor serve her man up right at night. Is that fair?

Another thing since I got you listening, why does a urban black woman bring up the fact that she has had so many previous lovers and you do not measure up to them? Is this crazy or not?

If a brother is caring for his family and meeting financial expectations, why does he have to additionally act like a chimp and cater to her unspoken needs like he is a mindreader and forever and unceasingly buying her crap for her to feel he loves her? Isn't that alot like catering to a spoiled child?

This ficklesness with the urban black woman , especially the urban black woman who is not edcuated and who is not comtemplating a higher education or comparing her actions to verifiable standards in the urban underclass is plain old blackmail to the black man. Black women in the Urban city areas, who are you trying to kill other than your family and the black man by your behavior?

Holla

My ex left me. I was a full-time student. He got tired of "supporting me" because I wasn't working at the time. He left after telling me that if I was concerned about the bills, I should put school on hold and get a job. He left me because I didn't agree with him not paying the rent, but letting his brother "borrow" $400 that we would never see again. He left me because I couldn't buy groceries for us, formula/diapers for the baby, pay the light bill, gas bill, cable bill, and phone bill on $75 a month. He packed up his belongings, and left, without saying good-bye to his son. Initinally, he refused to pay child support because he didn't owe me anything (his words).

Just thought I'd throw that out there........