Did I Overeact? - AfroChat - African American

Mr Gumbo · December 3rd, 2007, 04:31 PM

Okay yall. A brief history of my family, I have 1 son of my own and my fiancee has a son that will be my step son soon. Well he is a 12 year old deaf kid who has been overly spoiled by everyone in his family besides his mother because of the disability. He's used to getting EVERYTHING he wants but with me it don't work like that. Well here's what happened:

We are in Wal-Mart he's off in the toy section looking around, he has 20 dollars that is burning a hole in his pocket. He finds us and he wants to purchase this Pokemon game that is only a slight upgrade of the 1 he has. I told him no, even though it's your money you not wasting it on something you already have. He's cool, walks off disappointed but okay but then comes back all man talking about how he wants it blah blah blah. He's still cool, so I'm like I already said no and his mom and him start talking. I walk further down then I hear him getting louder and louder so I turn the cart around and walk back down there. He's yelling now in her face, I put my hand on his shoulder and say "calm down you can speak your mind but in a calm voice not yelling" (trying to be patient because of the disablity and sometimes he doesn't understand fully). He grabs at my hand and YELLS DON'T TOUCH ME. So I grab him with both hands and say calm down you not finna talk to me or her like that. So he starts to really try and handle me up. Well so I pick him up and slam him into a wall while his feet dangle. I tell him again you ain't finna talk to nobody like that and that you can say what's on your mind but you not gone yell at nobody. Well he trys to grab my neck and I squeeze the living shizt out of his arms (feet still dangling) and he instantly starts balling. He calms down and realizes but he's still mad but he's cool. We finish shopping and the manager comes and starts asking questions about the kid because people complaining about me. She gets mad because nobody complained while he's yelling in her face but the minute I try and discipline the kid now it's a problem. The manager was a brotha and he understood fully.

Now so far this board will tell you the real deal so that's what I'm asking for did I do the right thing or overeact?

The Dragon · December 3rd, 2007, 04:43 PM

I would say that it would have been better had you waited to get home to discipline him in such manner but I a thinking the danglin from the wall was probably a bit much. Then again, I did not see the whole situation.

I am not surprised that people complained to the manager, maybe you should consider yourself lucky to not be in jail right about now!!

Yes he was out of hand yelling in his moms face, then telling you not to touch him and to try and fight back too? He deserved some roughness...but of course them other folks did not see it like that.

Sumyr · December 3rd, 2007, 05:09 PM

No, I don't think you over-reacted. You did calmly ask and he grabbed you first. This was probably a problem in past relationships with her and other men and the child. He's use to getting his way, when he doesn't he acts out and then gets his way anyway because others are afraid to deal with him because of his disability and they didn't want to be confrontational with the mother either. I've got a feeling he "won't" be acting out with you or the mother again. I think he learned a valuable lesson in how to act in public. People with disabilities are always wanting to be treated equally and I think you taught him that early (right now) that the world isn't always going to cater to him in life, especially when you and moma aren't around and he's on his own.

Now for the reprimand: Throwing him against the wall while his feet dangled was a bit harsh. Grabbing in the collar or whipping would be appropriate discipline for his age in public.

One thing I did notice from your post is that she (your fiance') supported you.........very important in raising children both of your own and from previous relationships. I thought you were going to say something to the affect that she said don't touch her son anymore. Great woman you have; kudos for her in supporting you. You two will work out just fine together.

jacqui · December 3rd, 2007, 05:17 PM

Children have been removed from their parents for far less then what you did.
I feel you did overreact. I think all shopping should have halted and he taken home and immediately disciplined. In this day and time, placing a child up against the wall is going to far. I am not talking right or wrong I am talking what is.

I am speaking as a former investigator of child abuse/neglect.
Holding a child against the wall in a public place could be considered emotional and physical abuse according to the laws.

Be mindful and keep your emotions in check brother, I hate to have to send you money orders for your cigerrette habit you WILL develop in the slammer.

Mr Gumbo · December 3rd, 2007, 05:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sumyr

No, I don't think you over-reacted. You did calmly ask and he grabbed you first. This was probably a problem in past relationships with her and other men and the child. He's use to getting his way, when he doesn't he acts out and then gets his way anyway because others are afraid to deal with him because of his disability and they didn't want to be confrontational with the mother either. I've got a feeling he "won't" be acting out with you or the mother again. I think he learned a valuable lesson in how to act in public. People with disabilities are always wanting to be treated equally and I think you taught him that early (right now) that the world isn't always going to cater to him in life, especially when you and moma aren't around and he's on his own.

Now for the reprimand: Throwing him against the wall while his feet dangled was a bit harsh. Grabbing in the collar or whipping would be appropriate discipline for his age in public.

One thing I did notice from your post is that she (your fiance') supported you.........very important in raising children both of your own and from previous relationships. I thought you were going to say something to the affect that she said don't touch her son anymore. Great woman you have; kudos for her in supporting you. You two will work out just fine together.

Yes she is very supportive of how I discipline my son and hers. I'm really trying to put it in his head the world does not care about you and the fact that you have a disability so you (him) can't use that as a crutch you still got to stand on your feet regardless.

Mr Gumbo · December 3rd, 2007, 05:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jacqui

Children have been removed from their parents for far less then what you did.
I feel you did overreact. I think all shopping should have halted and he taken home and immediately disciplined. In this day and time, placing a child up against the wall is going to far. I am not talking right or wrong I am talking what is.

I am speaking as a former investigator of child abuse/neglect.
Holding a child against the wall in a public place could be considered emotional and physical abuse according to the laws.

Be mindful and keep your emotions in check brother, I hate to have to send you money orders for your cigerrette habit you WILL develop in the slammer.

Okay so how should I handle situations like this? Just leaving wouldn't do jack and trying to handle me up won't be tolerated so how do you handle it?

Well the result was we talked about it outside the store and I let him know I wasn't trying to hurt him because I love him but I ain't putting up with that at all. Also my other son was real shocked and he has been the model kid since that happened.

Samoon · December 3rd, 2007, 05:27 PM

"Well so I pick him up and slam him into a wall while his feet dangle..."

I will be honest. This is VERY disturbing to me. I'll have to give this further thought and get back to you.

poeticasylum1 · December 3rd, 2007, 07:26 PM

My brother,

Let me first commend on your honesty. You reacted to something you probably have not seen before or if you have, it didn't quite involve you. He's 12, trust me they do worst things when they get older. I think you just snapped. Now did you over react? Possibly, but that kid probably needed that just to show him that he's not running things. Going off on moms is something he probably was used to, but you did your best to diffuse the situation without snatching him up. Since you did, no big deal. Every kid now then if they are spoiled need a wake up call. Its unfortunate it happened in Wally World but so what. I personally stand by your reaction only because many times these kids who are spoiled get away with all kinds of nonesense. plus given his handicap you know kids are master manipulators. You are learning as a parent, chalk it up as a lesson and do your best to master your reactions. These days they looking to lock folks up for discipling their children. Parenting something you learn on the fly, especially with step children. Too often you may find yourself walking on egg shells just because. Yet kudos to your wife to be for standing by your side. Trust me, it could have been worse.

Istlota · December 3rd, 2007, 07:27 PM

Dude, no matter what that boy does, you can NEVER react to him in that manner in public ever again.

At least for now, let your woman handle disciplining her son when y'all are out in public. Make sure she understands that this is the way it has to be. If she can not control her own son, either y'all need to get a professional counselor involved or you need to walk. Otherwise, you are going to end up in jail over that boy.

s8loud · December 3rd, 2007, 07:46 PM

First off, Mr. Gumbo, greetings to you, as I'm not sure we've acquainted ourselves with one another.

In a word, yes, I think you went too far. Here's my take: your (soon-to-be) stepson raised his voice at your fiance (probably) b/c he was not able to deal with the emotions he experienced after you/her told him he couldn't have what he wanted, and that's quite normal for someone his age. Also, the moment you touched him on his shoulder made it a physical situation (whether you intended or not), culminating in you thrusting him up against the wall, and really all that was needed was a different approach (by you and your fiance) in helping your stepson understand and deal with what he was feeling.

Also, the fact that you reciprocated your stepson's negative physical gesture suggests that you lost control as well, and that can't happen in a parent-child relationship if he is to respect you moving forward. That allowed him to take control of the situation by making you react to something he did, thus empowering him even more (albeit falsely, but that's beside the point in a child's mind). If anything, you and your fiance could have just ignored his pleas while sticking to your guns, the lesson being that all the yelling and screaming he could do did not get him what he wanted.

All that said, I can certainly understand why you reacted the way you did, one, b/c we're only human, and two, I have kids of my own, and sometimes they really know how to push your buttons. I know I'm still evolving as a parent, as are most parents I'm sure.