Did I Overeact?

[Big Trap]

yea you over did it. Bad situations can invoke even good ppl to do bad immature things. You didn't like the way he was acting because he wasn't allowed to get what he wanted. Now reflect upon the way you acted cause you didn't get what you wanted. I know you had your reasons. But in his 12 year old mind he had his reasons. You're lucky no one called the police. I have kids so I know what they can put you thru. So I'll tell you what I did when i over reacted in a similar fashion you did. First i realized what I did was wrong and no different than how they acted no matter what my good intentions were, I apologized to them and used the situation as a bad example of how anybody can react if they don't use their head and let their emotions take over. Patience is key, that situation more than likely would have blown over or at least been brought down a little. Plus you'd be setting an positive example on how to react in 'hot' situations. A good potential black family was in jeopardy of never happening because of a game/toy. Good luck in the future and thanks for sharing.

Hotep

[matrixone05]

I don't think you over reacted. I did the same thing with my daughter when she was young. Sometimes, you have to do what you have to do. You did not hit him, or throw him. You got his attention and his respect. I take my hat off to your fiance'. As a mother, its hard to sometimes sit while your child is being disciplined, whether they deserved it or not. Children know who they can do what with. You have tremendously reduced the odds of a next time.

[The Dragon]

Originally Posted by matrixone05

I don't think you over reacted. I did the same thing with my daughter when she was young. Sometimes, you have to do what you have to do. You did not hit him, or throw him. You got his attention and his respect. I take my hat off to your fiance'. As a mother, its hard to sometimes sit while your child is being disciplined, whether they deserved it or not. Children know who they can do what with. You have tremendously reduced the odds of a next time.

I agree, except don't do "what you have to do" in public so someone can have you thrown in jail and don't do what you feel you have to when you might end up breaking a childs neck, shoulder or arm; Or causing head and back injuries. Yes the youngin needs to learn a lesson but there is a way and a place to accomplish this.

Before loosing it again, stop and breath; Calm down then handle the situation. I like the solution Islota gave concerning stoping all shopping at once and taking the youngin outside to talk.

I believe that physical discipline on a child should be the very last resort. I still regret "going off" on my nephews and doing things to them I am ashamed to admit here. What I did was a reflection of how I was handled as a child and I don't want to repeat that, self-control is a must for me when it comes to children.

So brotha always calm down first and let momma (by the way whom I respect for her reaction to the situation) try and deal with her child first....once you sum up her ability to handle the situation, you can decide from there whether or not you should intervene. Just my HO.

[Nyela]

Yes, I also think you went to far. For some of the same reasons mentioned in this thread. There are some professionals that are REQUIRED to report suspected abuse or evidence of possible or potential abuse.

If this child is acting out in this way, he could have all sorts of things going on in his mind. He may be having a hard time dealing with his mother getting married. He could have had a bad day with one of his friends. He could have thought about something a child did to him at school last week. Any number of reasons would make a child his age act out like it's the end of the world. I agree with you telling the child he could voice his opinion but he should do it in a calm, respectful manner. But friend, you would need to show him how to do that. In this day and age with big brother watching EVERYWHERE, you really might want to work on developing a little restraint until you are in a private place. And even then handle it with care. Cameras in the store. Cameras on cell phones. The last thing you need is to have a video posted on Utube asking the same question you posed to our group.

You could have tried ignoring the child or leaving the store. Things are so easily mis interpreted these days. It's better to be safe and have your freedom intact than to discipline in such a manner because you feel it keeps your "respect" intact.

I wish you luck though Gumbo. Blending families can be very difficult. And being the outsider is awfully hard. Been there.

[Sumyr]

Mr. Gumbo, Your thread has sparked conversation between hubby and I as well as thoughts/emotions I thought were buried or at least long forgotten. It re-surfaced thoughts of my step-brother. I, my mom, his dad, as well as the rest of the family and my step-brother himself, "WISHES" someone - anyone - had snatched him up at a young age the way you did your stepson. Then maybe, just maybe, he wouldn't be serving life in prison right now since he was 19 after 7 prior years of minor convictions - his ultimate last crime was capital robbery/murder.

I'm not necessarily condoning they way (in public) that you snactched him up - but do continue to discipline this child and your own and any future children. No child (me) should have to watch her own father in tears for his son after hearing a guilty verdict of capital robbery/murder followed by a sentence of life without parole. And to think this could have all been avoided..............had he been snatched so to speak up by his father.

EDITED TO ADD: Boys do have to be handled differently than girls. I didn't understand what my mom meant by that when my brother and I were growing up, but I do now. Another thing, my mom could whip us until the cows came home and it meant nothing. But daddy..........lets just say it only took his voice and we knew to get our asses in line. If if got to him whipping us, you never did whatever it was that brought it on again.

[Istlota]

I am thinking about what would have happened to me, 33 years ago when I was 12, if I raised my voice at my mama in a public place when my dad was present. Whatever happened next, it would have involved me lying on the ground holding whatever part of my body my dad was closest to. And, if I even acted like I was thinking about raising my voice to my dad? I would probably still be walking with a limp.

But, we live in a different time and Gumbo needs to worry more about what is best for Gumbo. The first priority for Gumbo is for Gumbo to do whatever he has to do to avoid going to jail. This is not just for Gumbo. Mama and boy will suffer as well, in some ways more so, if the man of their family gets taken away by the state.

Second priority. Gumbo, mama, and boy have got to start using sign language as well as voices the boy can not hear.

The boy thinks the adults in his life do not understand him. Gumbo wisely, calmly, but firmly says no. But, next, the boy goes to his mama. And, that is when things begin to escalate. He thinks mama doesn't understand what he is trying to say, so he speaks louder. But, he is deaf, so how is he supposed to know what tone of voice is too loud?

Then, mama gets upset because her boy who she loves so deeply is yelling at her. She has already complained to Gumbo about how it hurts her when the boy yells at her. So, now, Gumbo does what a man does. He steps in and tries to calmly diffuse the situation. But, by then, things are way past anything he can do to calm the waters.

The boy, frustrated that the two people he loves the most in the world do not understand him, starts behaving like 12-year-olds do when they think the whole world is against them. And, the mama, way, way out of her element, means well but has no idea how to fix this. And, then, there is Gumbo, perfectly placed for the state to insert itself and do the absolute worst thing to "fix" the problem.

Third priority. None of this means the boy, or the parents are doing anything wrong. They are just, all of them, way out of their element and need the assistance of a professional counselor who is experienced in dealing with the unique challenges of families with deaf children.

American Society for Deaf Children

[Sumyr]

I am thinking about what would have happened to me, 33 years ago when I was 12, if I raised my voice at my mama in a public place when my dad was present. Whatever happened next, it would have involved me lying on the ground holding whatever part of my body my dad was closest to. And, if I even acted like I was thinking about raising my voice to my dad? I would probably still be walking with a limp.

But, we live in a different time and Gumbo needs to worry more about what is best for Gumbo. The first priority for Gumbo is for Gumbo to do whatever he has to do to avoid going to jail. This is not just for Gumbo. Mama and boy will suffer as well, in some ways more so, if the man of their family gets taken away by the state.

Second priority. Gumbo, mama, and boy have got to start using sign language as well as voices the boy can not hear.

The boy thinks the adults in his life do not understand him. Gumbo wisely, calmly, but firmly says no. But, next, the boy goes to his mama. And, that is when things begin to escalate. He thinks mama doesn't understand what he is trying to say, so he speaks louder. But, he is deaf, so how is he supposed to know what tone of voice is too loud?

Then, mama gets upset because her boy who she loves so deeply is yelling at her. She has already complained to Gumbo about how it hurts her when the boy yells at her. So, now, Gumbo does what a man does. He steps in and tries to calmly diffuse the situation. But, by then, things are way past anything he can do to calm the waters.

The boy, frustrated that the two people he loves the most in the world do not understand him, starts behaving like 12-year-olds do when they think the whole world is against them. And, the mama, way, way out of her element, means well but has no idea how to fix this. And, then, there is Gumbo, perfectly placed for the state to insert itself and do the absolute worst thing to "fix" the problem.

Third priority. None of this means the boy, or the parents are doing anything wrong. They are just, all of them, way out of their element and need the assistance of a professional counselor who is experienced in dealing with the unique challenges of families with deaf children.

American Society for Deaf Children

Istola, Best advice given in this entire thread. Very well said and good solution to the problem. I too, when giving my own advice, failed to address solutions with handling deaf children as I - like others - have no experience with dealing with deaf children. And this is a unique case and should be handled "uniquely" as you've stated. That's what we are all here for - to catch things that others may miss when offering advice. Good looking out!

[afrocentric]

i notice you said 'fiancee'. that means your not married yet which also mean that the child is not yours yet. let your fiancee do the discipline for now til you two get married. then get the child adopted into your name and then you can discipline the child.

[Mr Gumbo]

Thank yall for the advice and for not holding your tounges, I really appreciate it.

Now to clear up a few things. His mom signs pretty fluently(sp) so they can communicate pretty good. He reads lips very well and talking slowly he can understand fully but he can also play that role like he don't understand when he really just don't wanna listen to what you gotta say.

With him I just don't see how stopping and going outside would fix anything with him because he's gonna get worse and worse. There is history there with his mom of him yelling and almost striking her because he doesn't get his way. This was what this was all about, like I said he gets his way ALL the time with everything, her family deals with him being deaf by giving him EVERYTHING he wants. I know the difference between him speaking loudly and not knowing how loud he's speaking and yelling and screaming and he was definitly doing the later. After reading the responses, I think I did loose my cool and that's something I'm going to have to work on. I'm a real laid back don't bother nobody kind of person so when someone trys to handle me up that boy that grew up in the hood comes out of me. I'm not sorry what I did just sorry how it went about. Yall are also right I can't be in public handling kids rough regardless and it will be a miracle if that happens again in public but he will continue to try me because like I said he is used to his way and only his way.

[Nyela]

I was thinking of this thread earlier and something came to mind. When my sister passed away, her youngest child and only girl was having a difficult time coping as was everyone else...but in a different way. She would act out in terrible ways. When approached about her behavior she would always say "I want my mommy." That would of course touch a tender spot and things usually calmed down immediately and after a little talk, we let it go.

After a few years of this, my mother was disciplining her about something and my niece said " I want my mommy." My mother, being the woman she is, said to my niece " I know you want your mommy...I want my daughter...but the fact that she is not here does not give me the right to be inappropriate and disrespectful to others. It also is not a green light to break the rules. She further said to her, if your mommy was here would she like the idea that you broke the rules and used her to get a pass on the behavior? My niece started crying and apologized. We never heard those words again. When she was having a hard time, she learned to say...I'm ok just missing mommy...and we would talk about it...She no longer used the death of her mom as an excuse for bad behavior.

I said all that to say this...Crutches are allowed when being broken is fresh and impossible to handle. But as the break begins to heal, the crutches aren't needed as much. And eventually they aren't needed at all. Maybe it's time to have a therapist teach you and your fiance how to wean the little man off of his crutches.
I hope I made sense...