Blended Families - AfroChat - African American

Mr Gumbo · October 3rd, 2007, 06:45 PM

I'm about to get married soon and the new family will be a blended 1. We are both single parents with sons. Her son's father is a punk asz man who doesn't want anything to do with his son because he's deaf. He sends child support on time and everything but spending time he ain't interested. My son's mother died 4 years ago so it's been just me and him. This is just a background of my situation but anybody out there got any stories (good or bad), tips or any suggestions for me on blending 2 seperate families into 1?

ardamus · October 3rd, 2007, 07:41 PM

If your stepson's father cannot be a real father besides send child support, then you step up to the plate and be that male figure in his life. That child did not asked to be born and I know his father knows that. Its good that he sends the child support but, seriously, spending time with the child would mean a whole lot to him.

I've never been married but, my sister just recently got married, had a kid, and "surprised" me with it all. I was pissed at first (because of how it was all done) but now, I'm over it. I'd say as long as you keep your family in the loop with important things like moving, having kids, and etc., it will be ok. With me, my sister went fast-paced with it to the point, I didn't know what to expect. So, that's my advice from someone who is related to another family now.

Mr Gumbo · October 3rd, 2007, 07:57 PM

As far as my soon to be step son I've already stepped into that role. I wouldn't of asked her to marry me without spending time with her son, her spending time with my son and all of us spending time together. If you knew me I'm very slow with feelings of MY heart so for me to get to the point of marriage I've explored every possible angle. LOL. I've told her she should take him to court and get the child support increased, she's being nice right now. If he don't wanna spend time then make him pay or ask him to sign over his rights and I will adopt him. We shall see about that.

sephari · October 3rd, 2007, 07:58 PM

if you really are serious about making the whole blended thing work, both you and your natural son should learn sign language, cause the boy's real father doesn't know "hello" from "goodbye", tell me i'm wrong.

matrixone05 · October 3rd, 2007, 08:04 PM

I've lived in a blended family as a child and as an adult 2 of mine, 1 of his.

My recommendations are:

The adults have to be in the same place mentally with this so you both should sit down and make sure you agree on rules, discipline, spirituality, etc.

I hate the term "step" so we never said stepchildren or stepmother/father.
If someone asked me how I had a son so old (he's 8 years older than my daughter and was 18 when I married his father), I answered that he was my "gift" child. My husband never explained my children because most people assumed they were his.

My "gift" child never lived with us, but knew he was an intrigual part of my family.

My children were never allowed to disrespect my husband, or their father's wife. They were told before either of us remarried that it would not be allowed or accepted.

If we disagreed about something the other did with the children or how a situation was handled, the adult was not contridicted in front of the children and the matter was discussed in private later.

My best advice is, for each of you to love those children and to treat them like they belong to you. Because they do.

Mr Gumbo · October 3rd, 2007, 08:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sephari

if you really are serious about making the whole blended thing work, both you and your natural son should learn sign language, cause the boy's real father doesn't know "hello" from "goodbye", tell me i'm wrong.

You are right and that has got to happen.

Samoon · October 3rd, 2007, 08:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr Gumbo

I'm about to get married soon and the new family will be a blended 1. We are both single parents with sons. Her son's father is a punk asz man who doesn't want anything to do with his son because he's deaf. He sends child support on time and everything but spending time he ain't interested. My son's mother died 4 years ago so it's been just me and him. This is just a background of my situation but anybody out there got any stories (good or bad), tips or any suggestions for me on blending 2 seperate families into 1?

Although not a parent myself, I DO commend you for, "stepping up your game AND stepping up to the plate." Life has a way of knocking one on their arse..whatever this child's father has coming to him? Kharma is a bitch.
SPIRIT has said, "do not mess with one of MINE, this child is Spirit's....let Spirit do the work. Curiously, what are the ages of the two boys? The most crucial components for a blended family I think are that (1) parents are both of ONE accord and have many discussions prior to stating, "I do," for example, parenting and (2) ALL embraces a spiritual realm.

My very best to all of you!

matrixone05 · October 3rd, 2007, 08:07 PM

Raising Other People's Children

Try reading this thread.

Nyela · October 3rd, 2007, 08:12 PM

Love them- love them- love them...
Support them- support them- support them...
Listen to them- listen to them -listen to them...

I couldn't stand my father's second wife. She never learned how to do any of the above. She didn't want us around. She never supported our efforts. She never listened to what we thought or felt. She was extremely detached. Yes I had a mother, but I would have loved to have had a relationship with her. She never even tried. I resented her for years because of that.

The transition may be long and tough. But don't give up!

matrixone05 · October 3rd, 2007, 08:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nyela

Love them- love them- love them...
Support them- support them- support them...
Listen to them- listen to them -listen to them...

I couldn't stand my father's second wife. She never learned how to do any of the above. She didn't want us around. She never supported our efforts. She never listened to what we thought or felt. She was extremely detached. Yes I had a mother, but I would have loved to have had a relationship with her. She never even tried. I resented her for years because of that.

The transition may be long and tough. But don't give up!

Nyela, she was the one that lost. Amazing how free and uplifting a child's love can be. Look at what she missed out on and sadly for her, she probably doesn't even know it.