When do you tell? - AfroChat - African American

saraphen · January 11th, 2005, 10:57 PM

You and your son's other parent got married after he was born. Do you plan to tell him that he was born out of wedlock? When will he be old enough to know?

Blak · January 11th, 2005, 11:30 PM

I say tell kids these things right away. Why wait to tell kids things? Same goes for kids adopted as babies etc. It is not something the kid should feel ashamed of...and if the parents act like they are, the kid will feed off that and take a negative attitude towards themself....especially if there are other kids that were born in wedlock. I say dont wait.

Blak

Curious1 · January 12th, 2005, 12:22 AM

If someone married the actual BioDad of a kid they made...I'd wait until the kid was old enough to understand...I wouldn't just "tell".The kid may never ask nor never care.I mean it's his biopop and biomom who decided to marry.Most kids don't pay attention until they start asking a bunch of "who am I type questions"..

I guess I'm terrible, but I know too many adults that can't deal with the truth without letting any unconventional news "rock their world".Kids can be so image & worth vulnerable.I would play it by ear.If the kid never asked I may never tell..not important...I was raised with that premise "If it ain't broke..don't fix it"...and some things are just "grown folks business"..how i was raised..right or wrong..how i was raised..worked for me..

Curious1

Blak · January 12th, 2005, 12:32 AM

^^^
You wouldnt feel betrayed if something came out later in life? Maybe the reason those grown folks you know flipped out at the truth is because they were not told immediatly and a big conspiracy of silence made what ever truth seem so much worse than it was. Black people love their secrets....but that messes up a family. JMO

As so many blacks like to say "whats done in darkness......" you know the rest.

Blak

Curious1 · January 12th, 2005, 12:50 AM

I think I would feel more portrayed if they led me to believe the man who raised was my BioPops all my years and he wasn't. I'd feel betrayed if my Moms had no Idea who my real Pops was..I'd feel betrayed if I found out she appeared on Maury Povich show and tested 25-2000 guys,all of whom were told "You Are Not The Father" and she kept the video tape for me to see her "15 minutes of fame" back when she was younger and so self-centered..and "turned out" back in her "Hey Player-Days"...I would feel betrayed & embarassed seeing my "Moms" running off the stage in embarassment and shame after Man # 2001 tested and cleared..Me Poppa less still...I would feel betrayed..

Bu, I wouldn't feel betrayed that she had me first by my BioPops,then later married my BioPops.Half the people I know in my real life were born OOW and their Mom's never married anybody.They have little to no contact with their alleged "BioPops.." ,period.At least, this case, she kept all the subsequent childrens bloodline the same..This OOW then marriage is very common.The only difference is a OOW mom may marry a whole different Pops.That case all my subsequent siblings then would be my Halfsies...This is what I know many of my friends experiences are with their parents. These cases,of course,no explanation is necessary once a Kid starts doing the Math..comparing birthday to marriage dates...not rocket science...a Mom's may never have to say anything,kid math figured it out...

Curious1

saraphen · January 12th, 2005, 10:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Curious1

If someone married the actual BioDad of a kid they made...I'd wait until the kid was old enough to understand...I wouldn't just "tell".The kid may never ask nor never care.I mean it's his biopop and biomom who decided to marry.Most kids don't pay attention until they start asking a bunch of "who am I type questions"..

I guess I'm terrible, but I know too many adults that can't deal with the truth without letting any unconventional news "rock their world".Kids can be so image & worth vulnerable.I would play it by ear.If the kid never asked I may never tell..not important...I was raised with that premise "If it ain't broke..don't fix it"...and some things are just "grown folks business"..how i was raised..right or wrong..how i was raised..worked for me..

Curious1

At some point the kid can do the math, like when it's your 10th Anniversary and he's 14 years old. Some kids would take it in stride, maybe even be amused at the discovery, but I think some would feel betrayed being the last to know.

000HONEY · January 12th, 2005, 10:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blak

I say tell kids these things right away. Why wait to tell kids things? Same goes for kids adopted as babies etc. It is not something the kid should feel ashamed of...and if the parents act like they are, the kid will feed off that and take a negative attitude towards themself....especially if there are other kids that were born in wedlock. I say dont wait.

Blak

Vegence · January 12th, 2005, 11:14 AM

I agree 100%

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blak

I say tell kids these things right away. Why wait to tell kids things? Same goes for kids adopted as babies etc. It is not something the kid should feel ashamed of...and if the parents act like they are, the kid will feed off that and take a negative attitude towards themself....especially if there are other kids that were born in wedlock. I say dont wait.

Blak

the_truth · January 12th, 2005, 06:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by saraphen

You and your son's other parent got married after he was born. Do you plan to tell him that he was born out of wedlock? When will he be old enough to know?

If it's the bio mom and bio father why tell? Does it really matter?

Harmony · January 13th, 2005, 10:27 PM

I guess it would be a good time to tell him once you've determined that he is mature enough to handle hearing it.