Marrying In Laws - AfroChat - African American

June 19th, 2006, 03:54 AM

I have a question: for you married people, how important was it to marry someone whose family you get along with? And for you unmarried folks, how high on the priority list do you place the need to get along with the future in laws???

For me I have to say it's very important because of the strong ideas I have about family. I'd hate to marry a woman whose family I would dread inviting to holiday dinners or get togethers or even childrens' birthday parties. I also think when you have feuding in laws it places an unfair strain on the person caught in the middle and as a husband I don't think I'd want to see my wife having to play referee between me and her parents or her siblings or anyone else. But I also think at the end of the day if my love is so strong that I'm talking MARRIAGE to begin with, well I don't guess her family- or mine for that matter- is going to matter very much.

Sumyr · June 19th, 2006, 11:36 AM

Ran-Ran, good topic. I would say on a scale of 1 - 10 with 10 being the highest I would give it an 8. If you are going to be involved with someone and have chosen them as your life partner, then you should have at least a cordial relationship with their family and vice-versa.

saraphen · June 19th, 2006, 11:56 AM

When I married the first time, I was 22 years old, and didn't give much thought to my in-laws. They lived 500 miles away and they weren't a problem...we were cordial enough. Then we moved to NC, 50 miles away from them, and the control issues started.

Some things you really can't foresee, even if you think you are checking it out. If everybody is on their best behavior in the first few years, and then the issues start later.

As it turned out, my mother-in-law outlived everybody...husband, all her siblings, both her sons. She loved me enough to make me executor of her will in the event her sons were not able to. (Lucky me.

) By that time she had Alzheimers and was in a nursing home, and it was left to me to become her guardian to manage her affairs.

The lesson to all mothers-in-law: Be kind to your daughter-in-law. You never know who will have to change your bedpan.

Sumyr · June 19th, 2006, 12:39 PM

Quote:

The lesson to all mothers-in-law: Be kind to your daughter-in-law. You never know who will have to change your bedpan.

Saraphen - good one!!!

My sister-n-law and I didn't get along for years prior to my husband and I getting married. I was a senior in high school and she was a sophomore. It started as a stupid class rival thing. Well, we didn't speak for an entire year. But when my husband and I became engaged I decided to it was time to squash the madness. So, I included her in my wedding as a bridesmaid. She was shocked at the gesture and so were others. But it worked and we became more like sisters instead of sisters-n-law in the years to come.

Even though my husband and I are now divorced, she and I are still cordial to one another and I am in contact with his family on a regular basis as he is with mine. He still brings my parents fish when he goes fishings.

RaInEdomThoughtz · June 19th, 2006, 06:38 PM

I come from a close family. We get together at least once a month. It is just as important for me to get along with my in-laws as would be for my husband to get along with my family. This extended relationship does have a bearing on long term relationships. Again, I come from a close knitted family and if this person cant blend and flow with my family and I cant blend and flow with their family, it would put a strain on our relationship because, ultimately you would feel like you'd have to choose between the two. It would just make our relationship uncomfortable.

June 20th, 2006, 12:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by saraphen

Some things you really can't foresee, even if you think you are checking it out. If everybody is on their best behavior in the first few years, and then the issues start later.

This is true, but sometimes the discord shows up prior to the wedding. Some parents and siblings make it known that the in law is the enemy, fair or not. But a lot of people still tie the knot even if they already know there's a problem. Personally I'd have to give it a lot of thought. Marrying someone who doesn't get along with my family is not desirable. I think what would make me decide not to get married if the family is a pain is if the woman I was marrying didn't have a backbone when it came to her people. Now that would have me calling it off because that's a losing situation if there ever was one.

robbboy2003 · June 20th, 2006, 01:25 PM

If a man does not win over or has a good relationship with mom, there is going to be hell to pay and likewise with a young lady. Many men have been allowed to stay through their number two mom. It does help to have a good or at least tolerable relationship with the inlaws. I've better understood my wife through her mom,and it greatly enhances a relationship if you love the mother of your kids mother. :)

Jackson · June 26th, 2006, 02:22 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sumyr

Ran-Ran, good topic. I would say on a scale of 1 - 10 with 10 being the highest I would give it an 8. If you are going to be involved with someone and have chosen them as your life partner, then you should have at least a cordial relationship with their family and vice-versa.

Sumyr, i agree. I'd also give the importance of the relationship an 8. Marriage is a union not just for the two parties involved, but for their families as well. There are times that we will have to be together and i don't want any unpleasantries when that happens.