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I'm new to the forum and naiive in my early 40's. I've known & been dating a man on & off for 19 years. He was previously married w/ children and still has some drama now, although his "baby" is full grown. I've never been married & have no children. I'm independent financially, intelligent but with less worldy sophistication.
Your level sophistication don't have nothing to do with it........its how you carry yourself period.
When I found out he was cheating on me years ago, I tried to leave and started seeing another. He pursued me & I forgave him (more than once), but finally we separated for 3 years until I returned and knocked on his door. I realize now I should have let the man come to me, if/when he is ready. I moved in with him a few years ago, but moved out after almost 2 yrs. of living under his roof.
Why would you have been willing to take him back regardless of who approached first? And he cheated more than once?
He disappears about once or twice a month, and we almost live separate lives, since he is so busy. He has a key to come & go at my place, and he is; I do not have a key to his house, and he doesn't like surprise visits.
You shouldn't have accepted these conditions. All you've done is let him think its ok to treat you this way.
He won't fully commit or marry, although he often calls me his wife. For years, the excuse was his previous marriage, his kids & their growing problems. Now, he says I am too sensitive and short when I talk to people or I always have an attitude or complain about things. And, if I tell him I am not in the mood for sex, since he has emotionally turned me off, he still expects me to come home after work to be his wife, and forget about the hurt and anger he causes with his disappearing acts.
If he did want to commit to you, would you honestly and really want that? He's making tons of excuses as to why he doesn't want to commit to including blaming you but the issues are not so much that he'll give up the "benefits". Maybe your comfortable with things and don't think that you can find someone that would actually treat you better. Your being emotionally turned off isn't going to go away because as long as he continues doing what he's doing, its like he's fanning the flame.
I really love him and he does get attitude from me, because I tell him he does not respect me or our relationship. I have accepted him and all the "baggage" that came along, but he doesn't appreciate it - he acts like it is my duty.
He probably doesn't respect the relationship, so why would you want a committment from him? If he hasn't appreciated what you've brought to the table in 19 years, how much longer are you willing to wait before he MIGHT come around?
I'm not perfect, but I have no drama and am a good woman. I don't want to be a doormat for him to walk over. He knows me better than anyone, and I don't want to start all over in a new relationship when I know he CAN be good to me. He is great when he wants to be. He just agreed to go to pre-marital or pre-commitment counseling. Should we spend the time and money or should I just give him an ultimatum?
You know he can be good to you but he won't.....not like you want him to be or need him to be. IMO, I don't think I'd go for counseling (and that's just me) because you two have had 19-20 years to get it right and I am not sure what a counselor can say to change things.
Understand I am not trying to man bash, just been there but for 22 years. While I had some fear about getting back out there and starting over, I wanted what I wanted and didn't want to waste anymore energy on something that wasn't going to work. There was too much damage. I haven't given up on thinking that there is a man out there that I can give what he needs and he do the same.
I wish you the best of luck with your relationship.
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